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Jon Stewart had his moment of zen last night, but it was less than zen-sational.
As the latest attempt by the Academy to woo younger viewers, the 43-year-old Daily Show host seemed determined to tick off everybody in the room, especially in his so-so opening monologue.
Stewart picked on liberals, rich people, scientologists, Jews, Angelina Jolie, George Clooney -- basically everyone in the front 20 rows.
Don't buy or steal pirated movies, Stewart joked. "These are the people you're stealing from. There are women here who could barely afford enough gown to cover their breasts."
That joke would have rocked The Daily Show bleachers, but, last night at the Kodak Theater, you could feel Hollywood starting to get its back up.
As the room got ever quieter, Stewart got louder. "I kid because I envy," he shouted.
After another joke bombed, Stewart actually blurted, "Sheesh I'm a loser." Later he did a joke about asbestos. Asbestos!
Taking on Hollywood's most sacred targets is great -- it's why The Daily Show sniper got the gig. But if you're going to poke fun at Steven Spielberg's Schindler's List and Munich, better make sure the gag is funnier than, "I think I speak for all Jews when I say I can't wait to see what happens next."
Oy vey.
Stewart did have some funny lines, including, "Bjork couldn't be here tonight. She was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her." He called Walk The Line, "Ray with white people." Cut to Jamie Foxx wincing.
Working up a phony rant about how there was nothing even remotely gay about the classic westerns of yesterday, Stewart led into a montage that showed just how gay all those old cowboy movies really were. "Mind if I look at your Winchester?" said one old cowpoke. That was funny.
Just when Stewart kinda redeemed himself, he threw to Nicole Kidman by saying that, this year, he'd be introducing the presenters, "in order of how talented they are." Nice.
Even a filmed bit off the top featuring past Oscar hosts was uneven at best. Billy Crystal and last year's host Chris Rock were caught in a Brokeback Mountain tent together, yuk, yuk, yuk. Later Stewart was shown in bed with George Clooney.
Next year, let Clooney host. The best-supporting-actor winner grabbed his Academy Award last night and said, "All right, so I'm not winning director."
Good line (and prophetic). Clooney went straight into how he'll forever more be introduced as "Oscar winner George Clooney," instead of "Sexiest man alive 1997." Batman died today in a freak accident, he continued.
The dude put on a clinic in self-effacing shtick and poise.
Then he turned it around and got serious, saying he was "proud to be out of touch" if it meant being part of a Hollywood that "talked about AIDs when it was just being whispered" and gave Gone With The Wind's Hattie McDaniel "an Oscar when blacks were still sitting in the backs of theatres."
Clooney knew the room and played to the room and the message reached people at home, too. Future Oscar hosts, pay attention.
Last night's other highlights? The envelope, please:
BIGGEST SURPRISE: Crash crashed the Brokeback Mountain party with London, Ont.'s Paul Haggis Canada's latest "King Of The World."
BIGGEST SHOCK: It was over at 11:30 -- a full half hour early! That's what happens when you cut out all the funny parts. What, not enough famous people died last year?
POINT AT WHICH MY PARENTS TUNED OUT: When It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp won for best original song. The funniest line of the night was when the narrator needlessly pointed out that, "This is the first Academy Award for Jordan Houston, Cedric Coleman and Paul Bearegard." The rap from Hustle & Flow was Stewart's biggest gimme. "For those of you scoring at home," he said, "that's Martin Scorsese zero Oscars, Three 6 Mafia one."
BEST SPEECH OVER 30 SECONDS: Robert Altman, who got to ramble on about his heart transplant and his theory that "making a film is like making a sand castle at the beach." Something about the ocean just taking it away.
BEST COMEDY TEAM: Meryl Streep and Lily Tomlin, who did a daffy, double-talk intro to the salute to Altman. Their overlapping intro perfectly set up his philosophy that "life is many things at once."
SECOND BEST COMEDY TEAM: Will Ferrell and Steve Carell, who wore bad makeup to present the best-makeup award. Subtle, no, funny, yes.
MOST HEARTFELT SPEECH: Best-actress winner Reese Witherspoon (Walk The Line), who thanked her parents for their constant support. "It didn't matter if I was making my bed or making a movie."
MOST RELAXED COSTUME DESIGN: Brokeback Mountain co-screenwriter Larry McMurtry, who wore a tux jacket but kept his bottom-half cowboy casual. "I didn't know we could wear jeans," cracked Stewart.
BEST RED CARPET MOMENT: Nothing. Even that crazy E! guy failed us. Not a single boob was groped, not even Ben Mulroney.