PLOT: Three nerds seek payback for the sports-related traumas of their childhood by organizing themselves into a three-player baseball team to take on and humiliate the pint-sized jocks and bullies of Little League.
I don't blame the studio for refusing to pre-screen The Benchwarmers, the inert revenge-of-the-nerds rip-off from Happy Madison, Adam Sandler's production company and sheltered workshop for middle-aged teenagers.
The logic is presumably that they want to keep word-of-mouth to a minimum. And to that end, frankly, I'd petition the court to put an actual publicity ban on the thing.
It's hard to imagine who this nerd-off between Rob Schneider, David Spade and Napoleon Dynamite's Jon Heder was made for.
It's written in simple language, with a patronizingly loud delivery by all concerned that suggests Blues Clues or other pre-school entertainment. But lame frat-boy gags about hermaphrodites and gays suggest otherwise.
But whatever box office profit the theatres make by luring the unwary might be offset by a drop in concession sales.
To wit: The first of many boogers consumed by Jon Heder is eaten 47 seconds in (it's about the only tic that distinguishes his character here from Napoleon Dynamite).
Before 80 long minutes have gone by, we've been subjected to ostensibly-hilarious titty-twisters, vomit, spit, booger-eating and fart inhaling.
All of which might arguably be considered performance art if, say, this was a Jackass movie. But in the hands of a skilled director like Dennis Dugan (Big Daddy), they occur with little regard to timing, as if each secretion or projectile expulsion was placed there by some kind of digital random-generator.
In short, this movie literally blows chunks.
The plot sees three adult nerds (Schneider, Spade and Heder) become cause celebres by defeating a team of bully-boy Little Leaguers, payback for the humiliations of their childhoods.
I'm not sure why adults beating kids at anything besides video games would be any sort of triumph, but then again I'm not sure why blond beauty-pageant winners and models would be attracted to characters played by David Spade and Rob Schneider. Maybe it's because the adult jocks in this movie invariably turn out to be gay (isn't that hilarious??!!).
It happens that even nerds have their jocks, and in this movie Schneider's character Gus fills that role. He singlehandedly wins the games as the "Benchwarmers" phenomenon builds to a fever pitch among nerds everywhere, while apparently mentally challenged adult jocks gnash their teeth. But Gus has a secret (ooh) that must be dealt with before we get to the lamest heartwarming ending ever.
Although it's hard to sincerely praise the acting of anyone here (though I still love Jon Lovitz), I will say that if anyone was ever born to play a butthole jock, it's Craig Kilborn.
The talk host, who plays Jerry, the enemy of our boys, is to butthole-jockdom what James Spader is to yuppie-scum. Bravo to him.
BOTTOM LINE: It's hard to figure who this nerd-off between Rob Schneider, David Spade and Napoleon Dynamite's Jon Heder was made for. Its simple dialogue and fakey loud delivery suggests Blues Clues or other pre-school entertainment. But the gag territory -- gay strip poker, hermaphrodite gags, titty-twisters, vomit, spit, booger-eating and fart inhaling -- suggests otherwise. In short, this movie literally blows chunks.
(This film is rated PG)
