  George Clooney's turn as "Batman" tops the worst sequel. |
Life is a series of firsts -- first love, first job, first car, first therapist, first eating disorder, first sex-manual photos shot strictly for instructional purposes.
But the second? The third? The fourth? In terms of films, although not coffee-table sex guides, it becomes harder and harder to recapture the elusive X factor that made the original so very special. And by the fifth-go-round, you've got a straight-to-DVD starring Kari Wuhrer.
Not that Hollywood stops trying. And to be fair to the lovely Ms. Wuhrer, whose aforementioned sequel work was in Hellraiser: Deader, it's not like the original left you wanting more.
The same could be said, I suppose, of today's theatrical releases of the third The Fast and the Furious instalment (sans Vin Diesel or Paul Walker) and the second Garfield flick (again starring the voice of Bill Murray). Does anyone in their right mind expect either of these excuses-to-print-money to be good? Even passable?
Not that it matters -- both are projected to have strong opening weekends, likely ensuring future episodes to milk their respective cash cows.
As bad as they may be, however, it's unlikely they'll rank among the following 10 movies which, in ways both tactile and imperceptible, epitomize all the qualities found in the worst sequels ever -- creative bankruptcy, bored stars or new ringleaders who put the entire franchise into the ground beak-first.
10. JAWS 3-D (1983): You could argue 1987's Jaws: The Revenge -- in which the seemingly psychic Great White Shark manages to pursue the Brody family from Maine to the Bahamas -- is the lesser film, but at least you didn't need to look like Max Headroom to watch it. Jaws 3-D (because it's the third and it's in 3-D -- get it?) still occasionally plays on very late-night TV.
HOW BAD IS IT REALLY: Roy Scheider passed on it.
9. EXORCIST II: THE HERETIC (1977) or EXORCIST: THE BEGINNING (2004): The second sequel -- 1990's The Exorcist III -- doesn't carry the same rancid whiff of the second (in which strobe lights play a supporting role) and fourth (or fifth, if you don't count the prequel that was shot, but then never released in theatres) in the horror series.
HOW BAD IS IT REALLY: Strobe lights? Refilmed only to still blow chunks of pea-soup? We'd say it was cursed, but in a statement e-mailed to the Sun, Satan said he exited both projects over creative differences.
8. STAR TREK V: THE FINAL FRONTIER (1989): The USS Enterprise boldly goes in search of ... God?! What's worse, they find him and he looks like Nick Nolte's police mugshot.
HOW BAD IS IT REALLY: Did we mention the bean-eating campfire scene that comes explosively close to sounding like an outtake from Blazing Saddles? All that's missing is a joke about photon torpedoes.
7. STAR WARS EPISODE I: THE PHANTOM MENACE (1999): A generation of fans waited two decades to learn how Anakin Skywalker fell to the dark side and they got Jar Jar Binks.
HOW BAD IS IT REALLY: Darth Vader, who once uttered "Luke, I am your father" now, as portrayed by 10-year-old punchline Jake Lloyd, cheers: "Yipppie!"
6. STAYING ALIVE (1983): A decade before Showgirls, John Travolta Elizabeth Berkley-ed his career by letting Sylvester Stallone direct him in this misbegotten sequel to Saturday Night Fever. Travolta would be wandering in the baby-talking hinterland for a decade before resurrecting his iconic persona with Pulp Fiction.
HOW BAD IS IT REALLY: Stallone's brother Frank supplies the music. Apparently Sly was saving his own vocal prowess for Rhinestone.
5. SPEED 2: CRUISE CONTROL (1997): Laugh all you want at Keanu Reeves, but the dude wisely turned this follow-up to his 1994 smash down.
HOW BAD IS IT REALLY: Set on a cruise ship, it has all the hurtling energy of seeing who makes it to the buffet first.
4. ALIEN 3 (1992): David Fincher has guts. What other director would kill off all the characters who survived James Cameron's enormously popular Aliens in the opening credits? Fortunately, by the time he made Seven and Fight Club, Fincher had also developed brains.
HOW BAD IS IT REALLY: The alien has more charm than the bald, British space prisoners Sigourney Weaver's Ripley finds herself stranded with.
3. ANOTHER 48 HOURS (1990): Or Another Two Hours Of My Life I'll Never Get Back. Eddie Murphy, bloated by fame and power, re-teams with Nick Nolte for a sequel to the 1982 action thriller that made him a box-office superstar. But the only chemistry here is between Murphy and his ego.
HOW BAD IS IT REALLY: Not as bad as Murphy's directorial debut, Harlem Nights. So in other words, atrocious.
2. GHOSTBUSTERS II (1989): A listless rehash made by bored gajillionaires, this sequel follows the template of the original -- reducing the characters to laughed-at underdogs -- without retaining any of its charm or inventive playfulness.
HOW BAD IS IT REALLY: Bill Murray will prostrate himself for Garfield sequels, but refuses to ever become a ghostbuster again.
1. BATMAN AND ROBIN (1997): A contender for Worst Movie Ever, this sequel (written by The Da Vinci Code's Akiva Goldsman) makes Will & Grace look butch and is highlighted by such retina-searing sights as George Clooney's rubber nipples, chunky Alicia Silverstone being shoehorned into her Batgirl outfit, Arnold Schwarzenegger delivering appalling one-liners such as "Chill!" (he's Mr. Freeze) and Chris O'Donnell. Yes -- Chris O'Donnell.
HOW BAD IS IT REALLY: Director Joel Schumacher -- responsible for the Bat-franchise's shift from Goth gloom to cartoony camp -- has become the Internet generation's Ed Wood.
BEST SEQUELS EVER
Sometimes the second or third time really is the charm, as evidenced by these sequels, all of which are better than their predecessors:
1. The Godfather Part II
2. The Empire Strikes Back
3. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan
4. Terminator 2: Judgment Day
5. Aliens
6. Gremlins 2
7. Spider-Man 2
8. Mission Impossible III
9. Kill Bill Volume II
10. The Road Warrior
