Chatter in the studio boardroom

Steven Spielberg (WENN.COM file photo)

Steven Spielberg (WENN.COM file photo)

MICHAEL RECHTSHAFFEN, QMI Agency

, Last Updated: 10:55 AM ET

HOLLYWOOD -- The setting: A movie studio executive boardroom. Assembled around a very imposing long, oval table are an assortment of suits -- department heads, development people, marketing types, as well as a couple of lowly assistants.

Studio Head: OK people. We've got a 10-picture slate to fill. What have we got left in terms of untapped superheroes?

Development Dude #1: Uh, I think Chickenman is still up for grabs.

S.H.: Pass. What about fairy tales?

Development Dudette #1: We're following up on a lead that Snow White apparently had this jealous sister...

S.H.: Please, no more with the Snow Whites. We're still trying to write down Vengeful: The Killer Dwarf. Any video game titles left?

Development Dude #2: I got nothin'.

S.H.: And I got a studio to run here! C'mon people give me something!

Lowly Assistant: Umm, sir, there ... uh -- could be some good stuff in this.

He meekly pushes a well-worn black book with fading gold-embossed lettering toward the suit. He looks down at the title.

S.H. (reading aloud): Holy Bible. (shrugs) Doesn't ring a bell.

He holds up the book, turning it toward the others at the table. They all shrug, too.

L.A.: I - um -- went ahead and marked some of the chapters that I thought might ...

The Studio Head flips through the earmarked pages and starts to perk up.

S.H.: Hmmm ... sacrifices, betrayals,  locusts, talking donkeys -- Any David and Goliath stories? What we really need is a good David and Goliath story.

L.A.: I've bookmarked it. Should be 1 Samuel 17.

Studio Head continues flipping through the good book.

S.H.: Whoa! Big bang theory ... stopping the sun ... parting the Red Sea -- turning into a pillar of salt -- nice. But getting the rights to this stuff is gonna cost us.

L.A.: Sir, I believe it's all public domain."

S.H.: No way! These F/X sequences have Bruckheimer and Bay written all over them! Come to think of it, somebody get Spielberg on the phone! He'll flip when he hears about this Moses guy.

L.A.: Actually, sir. Mr. Spielberg is already working on a Moses project called Gods and Kings. And, Darren Aronofsky, the Black Swan guy, is developing a big-budget Noah epic and Mel Gibson is still intent on doing one of two competing Judah Maccabee projects and Bradley Cooper is going to play Lucifer in Paradise Lost, with Casey Affleck apparently playing Gabriel and Djimon Hounsou playing Abdiel, and....

S.H.: OK, OK, OK. But we got dibs on David and Goliath. For David, I'm thinking, like, Orlando Bloom, or maybe we could do it up funny with Sandler ... he could maybe play both parts like in Jack and Jill, or we could go with.

L.A.: Actually, sir. I forgot. The guy who directed The Exorcism of Emily Rose is going to do a Goliath movie and they're trying to get Taylor Lautner and Dwayne (The Rock) Johnson interested ...

S.H.: For the love of God, why are we always the last studio to find out about these hot properties!? Well, there's just one thing to do.

L.A.: What's that sir?

S.H.: Go track down the author and see if we can get exclusive rights to the sequel.


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