You're Bothering Me

Actress Kristen Stewart arrives at the MTV Movie Awards at Universal Studios, in Los Angeles,...

Actress Kristen Stewart arrives at the MTV Movie Awards at Universal Studios, in Los Angeles, California, on June 3, 2012. (AFP/JOE KLAMAR)

LIZ BRAUN, QMI Agency

, Last Updated: 4:24 PM ET

Shy. Awkward. Very private. Unhappy in the spotlight.

This is the sort of thing written all the time about Kristen Stewart, a successful young actress who has what might be described as an uncomfortable relationship with fame.

In June, Forbes Magazine announced that Stewart is currently the highest paid actress in Hollywood. She earned about $35 million over the last calendar year, and will no doubt continue to earn millions more from the Twilight franchise alone.

In late July, celebrity magazines ran 'gotcha' photos of Stewart smooching her Snow White and the Huntsman director, Rupert What's 'is Name, and all hell broke loose among the slavish Twihards, who couldn't believe anyone could come between Stewart and poor, wet, Robert Pattinson. Whether or not Stewart and Pattinson were ever actually a couple or were paired up as a ticket-selling publicity campaign is now lost to history.

The juxtaposition of big salary and low affair is sort of interesting, suggesting as it does some sort of plan of escape, conscious or otherwise. It's also interesting that the rigorously paparazzi-avoiding Stewart got photographed in any sort of compromising situation, benign though those photos may be. Personally, we like our accidents to look way more accidental.

Why Stewart did not offer a public statement along the lines of "sod off" and thereafter ignore the whole thing completely is the most mysterious part of this whole debacle, but never mind.

The future is already written. The fate of Rupert Thing is decided: this whole affair is being called the Kristen Stewart Scandal, not the Rupert Nonentity Scandal. He will be chastened, humbled, deeply sorry, full of regrets and forgiven, no doubt.

She will be pilloried, slagged, condemned, etc. etc. Stories are already appearing about how Pattinson fans may boycott her movies in future, about how she has derailed her career with this scandal and how she may not have an easy time finding movie work again. Hardy har, we must say.

But what if never working again suited Kristen Stewart right down to the ground? What if this break-up, complete with deeply moronic public statements, pictures of a U-Haul in the driveway (seriously? Whose idea was that?) and dog custody disputes was planned from the beginning, a dramatic exit from the Twilight franchise that would leave the Twihards more pumped than ever for that final instalment this autumn?

Before there's any more hand-wringing about poor Kristen Stewart and poor Robert Pattinson and their terrible, heartbreaking, earth-shattering, soul-destroying, planets-knocked-off-their-course level breakup, consider what life would be like for Stewart if she never had to deal with any of that crap again. No paps, no screaming fans, no autograph hounds, no weirdos hanging around her house, no unwanted phone calls, no psycho fan letters and no one judging her every move.

Rupert Whoosis goes home to his forgiving wife and gets to direct the next big thing.

Pattinson gets the dog. Stewart gets to disappear.

We'd call that happily ever after.


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