Braun: You're bothering me

Shia Labeouf. (AFP photo)

Shia Labeouf. (AFP photo)

Liz Braun, QMI Agency

, Last Updated: 4:01 PM ET

There's a lot of breathless prose pouring out of Hollywood these days about The Nymphomaniac, an upcoming Lars Von Trier movie that will feature famous people having real sex, as opposed to fake, movie-type sex.

Holy simulacrum, Batman! As you no doubt ask yourself at every movie sex scene, "Is it the real turtle soup, or is it the mock?" it's a good thing Von Trier plans to answer all these questions of the universe.

The Nymphomaniac is a two-part film scheduled for release sometime in 2013 and it examines a woman's erotic journey from birth to age 50. Press releases about the film suggest that it begins with the woman in question discovered beaten up in an alley; this could be viewed as an unfortunate nod to Von Trier's general view of women, but let's not speculate. And we won't question why the story ends when the woman is 50 -- she has a best-by date, maybe? The important bits are lost among the wrinkles? She finally finds her glasses? We'll find out soon enough.

The round-heeled storyteller of the title will likely be played by Charlotte Gainsbourg; one of the reasons the movie has had a lot of notice lately is that Shia LaBeouf has joined the cast.

LaBeouf, who has already shown the world his willy in a music video, says he is "Terrified" to be part of the project, calls Von Trier dangerous and says, -¦There's a disclaimer at the top of the script that basically says we're doing it for real. Everything that is illegal, we'll shoot in blurred images. Other than that, everything is happening."

That's all euphemism chat for actual sexual activity. Illegal activity? What are we talking here? Farm animals? Golly.

First actor who signed on for the movie is Stellan Skarsgard, who says the director has already told him he won't be doing any real-time shagging in the film. "I said okay, he said, 'But you will show your d--- at the end, and it will be very floppy.'" Hmmnn. Worth leaving home for?

Other bodies said to be turning up in the film include Nicole Kidman and Willem Dafoe. The movie could be released in two versions: soft core and hard core, with porn stars in the latter. One assumes that close-up shots of Tab A being inserted into Slot B is the distinguishing difference.

Meanwhile, one of the producers of The Nymphomaniac says the movie is actually quite funny. That sounds about right.


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