When it came to bad, gag-inducing movies, 2013 offered up a seemingly endless crop of truly awful films. There wasn’t a month where Hollywood didn’t try to insult the intelligence of the average moviegoer by ramming some half-baked crime-against-cinema into theatres.
Big stars were equal participants as well. Johnny Depp’s Lone Ranger was a box office misfire, and as 2013 came to a close Universal was preparing for huge loses on Keanu Reeves’ 47 Ronin (someone should have told them it isn’t 2003 anymore), while Sylvester Stallone and Robert De Niro embarrassed themselves in Grudge Match.
But our critics had to endure them all so you didn’t have to. Here are Bruce Kirkland, Jim Slotek and Liz Braun’s worst movies of 2013. Let us know what you hated in the comments.
“This movie should not be seen or heard.”
“The insanely ridiculous plot twist at the climax makes it worse. I say purge The Purge.”
“Adam Sandler and most of the same cast are back for more of the same, only worse. There are no laughs whatsoever, unless you think that mistaking chocolate ice cream for excrement is hilarious.”
“A big, bloated mess of a movie… genre pictures are not supposed to be this boring.”
ONLY GOD FORGIVES:
“Mean-spirited… demented… bloody for no greater good.”
“Sizzle does not guarantee a juicy steak… Justin Timberlake is a poor choice. Too bland. Too boring.”
“Time to call our lawyers and file a class action suit: Director Ridley Scott and screenwriter Cormac McCarthy should be sued for their existential abomination, The Counselor.”
“Stallone and De Niro are left to utter banalities, absurdities and horrible dialogue that makes it ridiculous to think that either actor was ever involved in something that could attract Oscar attention.”
A GOOD DAY TO DIE HARD:
Through Bruce Willis’s John McClane, we learn everybody in Russia speaks English if you yell at them loud enough, and Chernobyl is a quick drive from Moscow and not in another country entirely (Ukraine).
Does the third film in every franchise have to be bad? Save for a Vegas, Hangover III let go of everything from the original (including humour). Zero laughs. Just an unnecessary quest for closure. I can relate, because I wanted the theatre to close.
Essentially a lecture to young people by Gen X/ Boomers to lighten up, get your face away from that screen, and have fun like we old dudes do. It’s also a two-hour commercial for Google that’s so painful, it’ll make you want to switch to Microsoft Bing.
“Mouseketeers with guns… Empty and appalling.”