Nicolas Cage once ate two cockroaches for his job. I once sat through The Wicker Man for mine.
You decide who suffered more for their art.
(Actually, we cede to the roaches that perished for Vampire's Kiss; at least their deaths would not have been in vain had the movie been a hit.)
As even the most casual filmgoer knows, Cage's acting decisions are at least as wonky as his choice of coifs.
Like Bruce Willis -- whose films tend to be better when he's sans artificial turf -- Cage's hairstyles are rarely the same twice, and at times more intriguing than the film itself.
What do we make, then, of Ghost Rider, which opens today?
We can only guess, since the blockbuster-to-be, despite being expected to top the weekend box office, hasn't been screened in advance for critics.
Apparently, like the receding hairlines of many a noted actor, some horrors are best left hidden from public view.
Consider the following, then -- something we'll respectfully call the Tale of the Toupee:
VALLEY GIRL: In this seminal 1980s comedy, Cage -- whose hair-stylist made his punk 'do look more like a coonskin cap -- established early on in his career that he recognized how important the rapport is between the audience and an actor's tresses.
VAMPIRE'S KISS: Aforementioned yuppie satire about a man who believes he's transforming into a bloodsucker. One of Cage's least convincing performances, since we're pretty sure vampires shampoo.
PEGGY SUE GOT MARRIED: Cage's prescient pompadour channels Elvis, hinting at a movie future fraught with sideburns, sequined shirts and Presley references (Wild at Heart, Honeymoon in Vegas).
THE ROCK: One of Cage's most believable mops, thanks to the presence of Sean Connery -- proving the old adage that a good toupee only makes the other toupees on-screen look that much better.
FACE/OFF: Cage sports the Caesar in this thriller about an arch-criminal who swaps identities with uber-cop John Travolta. The Caesar was hip for a second in 1997. Sort of like Travolta.
CON AIR: Cage plays Jesus, if Jesus were a wife-beating ex-con trapped on a hijacked plane. As close as we'll ever get to a live-action adaptation of Family Guy's Passion of the Christ 2.
GONE IN 60 SECONDS: The Oscar winner went blond when he agreed to star in this flop about a car thief. Definitive proof brunettes are smarter.
ADAPTATION: Cage's Chia head perfectly suits sweat-prone screenwriter-turned-fictional character Charlie Kaufman, and, in dispensing with any trace of vanity, helps him deliver some fine work.
NATIONAL TREASURE: We thought it was the latest Chucky movie until Cage, resplendent in his doll's hair, started talking. Then we realized we were in for something much worse.
WORLD TRADE CENTER: Unflattering facial hair -- namely a moustache -- tells us Cage is serious this time out. If you want to laugh at someone with a moustache, you'll just have to laugh at Rosie O'Donnell.
GHOST RIDER: As the comic-book ghoul, Cage's head is CGI-ed out and replaced with a fiery, fake-looking skull. Apparently he couldn't convince the producers to remove the rest of him from the film.
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