Hey Canadians, Bill Cosby is on to us.

The legendary American comedian and TV star sees through our false modesty.

"It's my job to go across the border to tell my Canadian friends they're all right," said Cosby, 72.

"Something that remains consistent is how many Canadians -- they don't mean it, but they like to say it -- it's like someone hinting for you to really compliment them. 'No, you're wrong, you are very good-looking.'

"So that's my job. 'You know, we're not very bright people here,' Canadians will say. 'Oh, stop it!' So I give it to them and they feel a lot better."

Cosby will have plenty of opportunities over the next several weeks to massage our Canadian psyche.

This Thursday and Friday he'll perform at Casino Rama. Then next month, Cosby has performances scheduled in London, Ont., Calgary, Edmonton and Richmond, B.C.

"I've always believed you don't walk away from a bad show saying, 'That audience was not hip,' " Cosby said. "Why did you go on stage? They weren't bothering you.

"In comedy, so much of your act is based on self-esteem. If your self-esteem is in order -- not too high, not too low -- you can have a great time."

There is a philosophical question we always wanted to ask Cosby, after seeing him at an NBA game in his native Philadelphia about 10 years ago.

Cosby was seated in the second row, and at one point he got up to leave. If he turned to his right, he had about three seats to go through, to get to an aisle. If he turned to his left, he had about 50 seats. With a mischievous look on his face, he turned left. He slid in that direction for five or six seats before reversing course.

Only a handful of people noticed, but those who did were laughing like hell.

So our question: Is Cosby the type of person who does those things all the time, regardless of whether 5,000 people are watching or five people are watching?

"Always on," Cosby said with a chuckle. "My wife says I get beamed."

Beamed? "From outer space," he said. "Do-do-do-do, do-do-do-do. She'll say, 'Why did you just do that?' She thinks there are space ships that follow me and they beam me."

It's an affliction Cosby has endured all his life, even when he was a kid and it put him in the crosshairs of his seriously dangerous father.

"I was about seven years old, and my father went to the stove to get some food," Cosby recalled. "My mother was sitting at the other end of the table. The old man came back with his plate, and I was standing behind him, and I got beamed. It said, 'Pull the chair out from under him.' I swear to you. He went to sit down, he had the plate in his hand, and I pulled the chair out.

"Miraculously, as he sat, he recognized there was nothing under him. This man held his position, bent, like somebody doing the limbo, holding the plate, and he didn't fall. He stood back up. And the rage inside of him. He turned and looked at me. My mother saw it, and I think she may have saved my life. She just called his name, loudly. And my father, I remember, he looked at me and he said, 'You don't know what you're doing.'

"It was the funniest thing, but I couldn't laugh, man. That could have been the end. He could have taken me out. But he didn't say anything else. So that's one of those times I got beamed."

Luckily for audiences everywhere, the beaming of Bill Cosby continues to this day.

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