TomKitten is here and according to her proud parents, she's just purrfect.
Yep, the seven-pound, seven-ounce Scientologist spawn of Tom Cruise, 43 and Katie Holmes, 27 came out on Tuesday, and, strangely enough, her birth locale (Los Angeles) wasn't overseas and her name (Suri) is a flower (red rose, in Persian) -- not a fruit, a prophet or a comic-book character.
But. naturally, all normality ends there. And until A) Baby Brangie's born or B) Stalkarazzi get pics of Mama Katie driving around with Suri in one hand and a tall boy in the other, we can only predict what the future holds for TK's tot.
So after careful consultation of our handy Sun crystal ball, we've uncovered a secret glimpse into the first 20-something years of Suri's not-so-typical life:
Next year: Suri cries out her first word, "Scientology," only to have Tom tell her, "Shut up! Your mom's about to give birth again." By then, Cruise and Holmes have embarked on a birthing spree to keep up with Britney and Kevin.
In five years: Suri lands her first acting job -- in a commercial for a new kids vitamin called Eyes Wide Open: The Anti Anti-Depressant. Papa Tom beams with pride, while loudly hectoring frightened stagehands on the evils of psychiatry.
In 11 years: Jealous of her father's increasingly close and creepy friendship with Dakota Fanning (now 22), Suri rebels and becomes best friends with Brooke Shields' daughter Grier, who shares her birthday. When Cruise learns the girls are in talks with a Fox exec about a pilot for a Simple Life-like reality show, he grounds her -- for life.
In 14 years: After what seemed an impossible mission, Suri finally convinces her dad to unground her. But the teen soon gets into a Kat fight with mom when she gets caught smoking. Suri argues, "But, Mom, you once starred in a movie called Thank You For Smoking." Holmes replies, "You got me there. Thank goodness your dad chopped the sex scene."
In 16 yearS: It's a little later than Cruise hoped, but Suri signs her first five-picture deal. Having been grounded for most of the decade, she's not quite sure what that means, but her dad says now would be a good time to start jumping on Oprah's couch.
In 21 yearS: Suri's first three movies bomb, so she drowns her sorrows in crantinis at a swank 21st-birthday bash in Hollywood. Beloved Hollywood icon Tori Spelling attends and asks Suri to star as love-troubled Zoey in her latest 90210 knock-off. Suri's psyched.
In 26 yearS: Wedding bells for Suri. The hubby? Jonathan Lipnicki, of course. The Jerry Maguire tyke got past the woes of child stardom and on to a multi-billion blockbuster career. Besides, he's 16 years her senior -- and Daddy (now in his 20th year of filming an L. Ron Hubbard biopic) thinks he's the cutest wittle thing. SurJon Jr. was conceived months prior to the ceremony, which was held (where else?) atop the Eiffel Tower.
More Artists
