Cruise sues -- has a nice ring to it, don't you think?
Tom Cruise is suing sister publications Life & Style and In Touch for $50 million over their stories claiming that the Hollywood superstar as all but abandoned his daughter, Suri.
As reported in TMZ, Cruise's rep, Bert Fields, said, "Tom doesn't go around suing people. He's not a litigious guy. But when these sleaze peddlers try to make money with disgusting lies about his relationship with his child, you bet he's going to sue."
Hell, yeah! Go Tom! And all that. But actually, Cruise is a somewhat litigious guy. Since about 1998, when he successfully sued a British paper for suggesting his marriage to Nicole Kidman was fake, Cruise has launched (and won) more lawsuits than the average person. He sued the Star tabloid for its report that Cruise and Nicole Kidman required a sex coach for their passionate scenes in Eyes Wide Shut. He has also sued other publications and at least one individual for their suggestions that Cruise might be gay.
The actor sued to retain the rights to the TomCruise.com domain name. He threatened to sue online gossip sheet The Beast for listing him among their 50 Most Loathsome People of 2004.
We like to think there are a lot of other people Cruise would like to sue, but is instead employing restraint. He's probably like to sue every person and publication that ever suggested he might be diminutive. (Clarification: that means short, not gay, okay? Calm down.)
He'd probably like his day in court with psychiatrists and all the moms who suffer postpartum depression, he may want to kick legal ass against Matt Lauer and all other talk show hosts who bring up the subject of psychiatry and anti-depressants and he likely wishes he could sue everybody associated with South Park past, present and to come.
While he's at it, Cruise might want to go after Jerry O'Connell for goofing on him and his maniacal laugh from the Scientology video that hit the web, or Dane Cook for doing that nutso routine in imitation of his Oprah frenzy over Katie Holmes. Then there's the Cruise impersonator, Evan Ferrante, who has Cruise's mannerisms, manic energy, wild laugh, vocals and dental display down so perfectly that he's kind of scary to watch. And fun. Sue the bastard!
Tom Cruise might be wise to sue George Stroumboulopoulos, for though their interviews have always gone well, George's name is tough to spell. He'd probably like to to sue everyone who laughed at him in Tropic Thunder, just because, and he might have an inclination to sue Ricky Gervais for his jokes at the Golden Globes. Maybe Cruise should sue Mark Wahlberg for questioning whether or not Cruise really does his own stunts, and maybe he should even sue Hitler, because it's too late to fulfill his boyhood fantasy of killing him.
Did we miss anyone?
It's funny that Bert Fields' should say that Cruise is not litigious, because he then said that if Cruise prevails in this current suit, "He will undoubtedly give the money to charity. He always has."
Always? Does that sound like someone who isn't litigious?
Do we look fat in this lawsuit?