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Killed him.
"I'd be a Nazi shooting at Hanks on the beach," Crystal deadpanned during an interview for his upcoming movie, Analyze This.
He's talking, of course, about his trademark spoofs of the best picture nominees that he has used to open two Oscars ceremonies, inserting himself in a scene from the movie opposite actual snippets from the film.
Crystal has opted out of hosting this year's March 21 ceremony, but he couldn't help but imagine how he would have spoofed Saving Private Ryan, which earned 11 nominations yesterday, including one for Hanks as best actor.
He visualizes himself in a gun emplacement, blazing away at Hanks while cursing the actor in a thick German accent.
"You win every year! Mr Goody Two-Shoes! Mr. Jimmy Stewart!
"I'd kill him," Crystal said. "In a good-natured way."
Sadly, it's not to be. Crystal, who has hosted the Oscars a whopping six times, just can't work up enough enthusiasm about doing the MC gig again this year.
"I felt like I needed a little break, like you do from anything," he said.
"I didn't want to say yes and begrudgingly do it, because it'll show. I know me. I won't be happy being there, and that's bad for everybody."
Crystal is currently promoting his new film, in which he stars as a psychiatrist who must reluctantly work his therapeutic magic on a Mafia don on the verge of a nervous breakdown, played by Robert De Niro.
He's also working on a one-man show which he might take to Broadway. But most importantly, he just wants to not have to worry about the Oscars this year.
"I just wanted to have a more fun spring," Crystal said. "I didn't have two days in a row where I felt like I wanted to do it. If I don't feel that little Johnson for it, then I don't do it."
Bill Murray has reportedly been approached to host, but in a different format that would see three separate MCs working together on the show. Would Crystal consider that arrangement, seeing as how it would mean less work and less pressure?
Er, no.
"Why after doing it as much as I've done it ... I don't need partners," he said flatly.
What about presenting an award? That's not a likely scenario either.
"I think it would look really bad if I walked out and said some of the inane dialogue. You know ... 'Sound effects editing is ...'
"If I'm going to show up, I should be The Guy."
Or a nominee?
"That would be nice, too."