"Sorry ... I totally blew that call ... But don't worry ... I'll penalize the other team ... for no good reason in the second half ... to even things up."
-- A ref makes a candid crowd-announcement in our fave Subway TV ad
That tacit admission of guilt that referees make when they "even things up" with marginal calls is not restricted to the world of sports. It is equally at play at the Oscars.
The Academy Of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences won't admit it, of course.
But to believe otherwise, you have to believe that The Color of Money represented Paul Newman's best work, On Golden Pond was Henry Fonda's and Scent of a Woman was Al Pacino's.
There are a number of possible make-goods on tap for the Oscars tonight. And if they happen, that won't by extension make Martin Scorsese's The Departed "better" than Raging Bull, nor will it make Peter O'Toole's turn in Venus eclipse his work in Lawrence of Arabia.
And it would amount to "penalizing the other team," if you think of all the people who may have missed out on a legitimate best actor Oscar (Dustin Hoffman for Midnight Cowboy, Clint Eastwood for The Unforgiven) on account of the evening-up process.
Herewith, our top 10 Guilt-trip Oscars:
1. Paul Newman, 1986, best actor for The Color of Money.
Really won it for: The Verdict, The Hustler, Hud, Cool Hand Luke, Absence of Malice, etc. Geez, Slap Shot was way better than that clunky Tom Cruise movie.
Who got robbed: William Hurt for Children of a Lesser God, but hey, he'd already won the year before for Kiss of the Spider Woman, so screw 'im, says the Academy.
2. Al Pacino, 1992, best actor for Scent of a Woman. Hoo-ahhh!
Really won it for: The Godfather: Part II, Dog Day Afternoon. (FYI: When Godfather: Part II was up, Pacino lost to Art Carney for Harry & Tonto. "Here ya go, old timer, thanks for all the laughs with Gleason").
Who got robbed: Clint Eastwood for Unforgiven. Still no acting nod for him.
3. Whoopi Goldberg, 1990, best supporting actress for Ghost.
Really won it for: The Color Purple.
Who got robbed: Everybody else in the category, Annette Bening (The Grifters), Lorraine Bracco (GoodFellas), Diane Ladd (Wild at Heart), Mary McDonnell (Dances with Wolves). Bening (American Beauty, Being Julia), Ladd (Rambling Rose) and McDonnell (Passion Fish) all came up short with subsequent Oscar shots.
4. John Wayne, 1969, best actor for True Grit.
Really won it for: Everything he ever did for John Ford for starters, from Stagecoach to The Quiet Man to The Searchers.
Who got robbed: Both Dustin Hoffman and John Voight for Midnight Cowboy. Hoffman would get taken care of quite nicely with subsequent Oscars for Kramer vs. Kramer and Rain Man (arguably a guilt-trip Oscar in its own right).
5. Elizabeth Taylor, 1960, best actress for one of the worst movies ever, Butterfield 8.
Really won it for: You could say Cat on a Hot Tin Roof or Suddenly Last Summer, but really it was for almost dying. The hypochondriacal La Taylor has now had so many "I see the light" near-death experiences, Hydro routinely sends her a bill. But back then it was cause for hosannas when she survived a bout of pneumonia with a tracheotomy scar to show for it (tastefully framed by her dress).
Who got robbed: Shirley MacLaine (The Apartment) and Melina Mercouri (Never on Sunday). Shirley would be nominated four more times before finally winning a quarter century later for Terms of Endearment. Melina would never be seen near the podium again.
6. Denzel Washington, 2001, best actor for Training Day.
Really won it for: Malcolm X, The Hurricane.
Who got robbed: Will Smith (Ali), Russell Crowe (A Beautiful Mind). But, hey, we got to see Denzel and Halle win both best actor and actress in the same fabulous gala, putting the race issue to rest for all time in one massive starburst of fabulosity. In the unlikely event Smith wins tonight, it'll be a makeup for Ali. As for Crowe, he's won one he didn't deserve as well, so he knows how the game works.
7. Russell Crowe, 2000, best actor for Gladiator. (Steve Reeves' estate called. They want posthumous Oscars for all those Hercules movies)
Really won it for: The Insider, for which he gained zumma-zumma pounds and slipped into the skin of an arteriosclerotic middle-manager and tobacco apologist-turned-activist. That, my friends, is acting.
Who got robbed: Javier Bardem for Before Night Falls. Just mentioning the movie about Cuban poet Reinaldo Arenas launches our Liz Braun into a string of expletives along the lines of "the most f---ing fabulous movie ever."
8. Judi Dench, 1998, best supporting actress for Shakespeare in Love. At eight minutes, the least screen time ever logged by an Oscar winner.
Really won it for: Her tour de force as Queen Victoria in Mrs. Brown.
Who got robbed: No offence to Dame Judi, but the other nominees were in their films for a lot more than last-scene cameos. Tops among them: Brenda Blethyn (Little Voice) and Lynn Redgrave (Gods and Monsters).
9. Henry Fonda, 1981, best actor for On Golden Pond. (Rented it lately, you old poop? If nothing else, it gave impressionists the immortal shaky-Hepburn line "the calla lilies are in bloom".)
Really won it for: The Grapes of Wrath, Mr. Roberts, Twelve Angry Men, The Ox-Bow Incident, etc.
Who got robbed: Warren Beatty (Reds), Paul Newman (Absence of Malice), and, arguably, anybody young enough not to qualify as an "old poop." The other acting nods went to Kate Hepburn, Sir John Gielgud and Maureen Stapleton.
10. Julia Roberts, 2000, best actress for Myra Breckinridge, er, I mean Erin Brockovich.
Really won it for: Being America's box-office sweetheart. And for being Hollywood's most pissed-off woman behind-the-scenes (you could almost hear the Academy's collective sigh of "Now maybe she'll shut up," when she won).
Who got robbed: Joan Allen (The Contender) and Laura Linney (You Can Count on Me), two actresses who are so overdue, they'll probably eventually win for a cameo in a Rob Schneider film.
