Both Alien (1979) and Predator (1987) were movies of the big-thrill variety, and the idea of pitting the critters from each film against one another is just plain stupid.

Stupid, cash-grabbing, embarrassing. Etc.

And oh-so-typical of Hollywood thinking.

Let's establish at the outset, then, that Alien Vs. Predator is a stupid movie idea and can only be hugely disappointing to fans of either film, which it is.

It will also disappoint science-fiction types, nostalgia buffs, creature-feature aficionadi, people who like movies, anyone who wandered in by mistake and the merely curious.

Who is left?

The adolescent boy.

(How else would two nightmarish grads of horrifying original movies wind up with a PG rating? That's the first clue.)

Lance Henriksen, an Alien alumnus, stars in Alien Vs. Predator as some rich and famous guy who reckons he's onto a huge archeological find. There's this pyramid under the Antarctic ice, see, and soon his team of crack scientists will get down there and see what's what. The scientists are played by Sanaa Lathan, Raoul Bova and Ewan Bremner -- all doomed to live or die according to the pecking order of box-office popularity.

This group finds their way under the ice and into the mysterious pyramid. Much lighting of flares and using of flashlights follows, as the filmmaker attempts to up the tension by having people stumble around in the dark. It doesn't work.

Soon, predators are doing that heat-seeking, raccoon-chattering, killing thing they do. The pyramid has sections that open and close in a mysterious fashion.

Wait! The mother alien is alive and breeding! So many bits and pieces of the alien monster look like human reproductive parts, don't they? My goodness.

Anyway, the humans have stumbled into the midst of some war between predator and alien that takes place every now and then, and don't worry if it seems confusing, because the scientist played by Bova explains everything throughout. His best line: "It's all beginning to make sense!"

Wrong.

After plenty of fighting, slime, ooze, guts, dripping teeth and so forth, everyone runs about shrieking, "Make sure those serpents don't reach the surface!"

They probably mean the filmmakers.

Next: Alien Vs. Predator Vs. Mothra.

(This film is rated PG)

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