PLOT: A Mengele-like mad scientist who experimented with orphans is tracked by the one who got away -- Christian Slater -- while alien monsters from a parallel universe threaten to exterminate the human race.
If you find yourself alone in Alone In The Dark, run away as fast as you can. Not because this sci-fi horror movie is scary, but because it is so stupid.
If you find yourself hanging out at this video game-inspired stinker with friends -- because everything good was sold out -- you could stay. At the Thursday preview screening in Toronto, cells of renegade viewers shot sarcastic commentaries back and forth and burst into hysterical laughter at the ineptness of German director Uwe Boll's bad Canadian movie.
That was marginal fun, at least. Confession: I was in one of the cells. At the end, we all booed. It is rare that there is such universal revulsion directed towards a movie.
It is the kind of emotional catharsis that briefly unites strangers.
The bile rose in the opening passages. There is a long, long crawl of background to read, all of it absolute bollocks about an ancient advanced civilization that found a portal to a dark parallel universe where monster demons lurk. Meanwhile, Christian Slater's voice drones out the same words as narrator. The filmmakers seem to think no one can read.
Then we watch a Mengele-like mad scientist plotting horrifying experiments on 20 orphans.
One gets away and grows up to be Christian Slater. As an adult, he has amnesia about his experiences (he should forget this movie, instead).
Then we watch Slater trying not to get killed by a superhuman assassin while he smuggles an ancient artifact back to San Francisco. Then he meets up again with his archaeologist girlfriend, played by Tara Reid. We know instantly that her character is supposed to be smart: She wears glasses.
Things go crazy from there. The mad scientist, played by Mathew Walker with a touch of Boris Karloff, finds more plot-related ancient artifacts. CGI-created monster aliens start killing lots of people. And a secret U.S. government commando unit that investigates the paranormal fights back, led by a cocky dork played by Stephen Dorff.
The writing, the lighting, the camera work, the production design, the direction -- all dismal. The acting is a joke, not that anyone had anything useful to work with in the outlandish script. So people are forced to utter clunker lines.
The actors look awful, too. Because of the harsh, unnatural light and ghoulish makeup, the movie makes Slater look anemic and Reid look tired and ugly, with pock-marked facial skin. That is more terrifying than any of the schlock horror stuff, including the skull split open like a juicy peach.
Most bad movies have at least a couple of attributes worthy of praise. Not this one, except that no women are raped. Killed, yes, but not raped.
There is a gratuitous soft-core sex scene between Slater and Reid but it was consensual (although not sensual) and inspired hoots of derision. Otherwise, Alone In The Dark would have earned a zero.
(This film is rated 14-A)
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