Two acting Oscars are proof of Sally Fields' thespian accomplishments. So let's resist the impulse to greet the news of her directorial debut Beautiful with snide commentary such as: "Gidget Makes a Movie!"
Respect is due. So let's also fight the impulse to parody her infamous Oscar acceptance with the capsule review: "You'll hate it! You'll really hate it!"
But buy a ticket to Beautiful and you'll feel ripped off, you'll really feel ripped off. And not just because the movie trailer gives away every significant plot point in the film.
It's because just about every one of the 114 minutes you spend getting to that foregone conclusion is excruciating.
A big problem is that the movie's heroine is so tiresome, you can feel her projected image draining your life away. Mona Hibberd (Minnie Driver) is a chronically self-centred, skin-deep young woman obsessed with winning a beauty pageant. Any beauty pageant.
In junior high school, young Mona bonds with the good-hearted, friendless Ruby, whom Mona enlists in her dream of beauty pageant affirmation. Ruby makes the dresses, and Mona walks the runway in them. And so it goes, until they grow up, with the adult Ruby (Joey Lauren Adams) now caring for an illegitimate daughter named Vanessa (the precocious Hallie Kate Eisenberg, that little girl in those Pepsi commercials).
Vanessa bears an unusual resemblance to Mona. Most beauty contestants aren't allowed to be single mothers. You figure it out.
In the most transparent plot contrivance of the year, Ruby is taken out of the action when she's arrested for a mercy-killing at the nursing home where she works. (An old lady takes an overdose of pills, so Ruby -- her nurse -- is promptly arrested, despite the absence of any compelling evidence whatsoever.) For the duration of the trial, it's up to Mona to take care of little Vanessa even while she's trying to win the upcoming Miss American Miss pageant by any means necessary.
In the film's predictable-as-a-trip-on-a-monorail plot, you just know that Mona is going to be made to fess up to her true biological status with Vanessa; you saw it in the trailer.
Along the way, Mona tries to win public relations points to help her win the title, including rushing a labouring mother to the hospital in a shopping cart. Director Fields echoes Mona's desperation with attempts to win audiences over with broad satiric swipes at the institution of beauty pageants.
If that's your idea of a challenging artistic pursuit, here's an activity you may enjoy this: a) take several live fish; b) put them in a barrel of clear water; c) fire at will.
Ultimately, the whole film's lame-brained message is that interior depth is more important than exterior beauty. But if you can win the crown, too ... Hey, bonus!
Let's just say Miss Fields shouldn't anticipate a trip to the best director Oscar podium anytime soon.
(This film is rated AA)
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