NOTE: This film opens on Christmas Day.

As if the world needed a reason -- beyond the obvious implications to the gene pool -- why Adam Sandler shouldn't reproduce.

Bedtime Stories, a family-friendly comedy he was apparently inspired to make after becoming a father himself, isn't merely bad, it's Little Nicky-awful.

For Sandler fans -- and I stress I'm no hater, preferring to judge each of his outings on its own merits -- this is dispiriting news following the uneven but ambitious You Don't Mess with the Zohan and the dramatic Reign Over Me.

Then again, Ben Stiller struck paydirt two Christmases ago with the CG-heavy A Night at the Museum hit, so who am I to argue with Sandler's creative choices or, more importantly, his commercial instincts?

In Bedtime Stories, Sandler plays Skeeter Bronson, a maintenance man at a swanky hotel who dreams of running the place himself.

Years earlier, the property was owned by his father before he was forced to sell it off.

When Skeeter's sister (Courtney Cox) is laid off and has to leave town for a few days for a job interview, she arm-twists Skeeter into babysitting her two kids, along with their saucer-eyed hamster. (Normally, the hamster wouldn't merit a mention, but because director Adam Shankman cuts to the rodent for a laugh every time a scene falls flat, the critter probably receives as much total screen-time as Russell Brand.)

As you know if you've seen the trailer, when Skeeter begins telling his niece and nephew bedtime stories, what he describes suddenly begins to translate into reality the next day. (The how and why behind this is not only never explained, but also never questioned by the sloppy, lazy screenplay.)

Chiefly, the conceit exists as an excuse to allow Sandler to dabble in different genres. In one fable, he's a gladiator. In another, he's a space warrior. In another, he's a cowboy.

Yet for all the multiple personas, Sandler is really just playing his same-old on-screen self: The underdog child-like slacker who overcomes snooty rivals to win the day.

Here, said snob is Guy Pearce, squandered in a thankless supporting role, as are Keri Russell and Brand, as Sandler's love interest and best friend, respectively. Instead, burning up valuable screen time is the ever-parasitic Rob Schneider, cast in an extended cameo as yet another ethnic stereotype.

Was I offended?

Only in that Schneider continues to find work.

What a nightmare.

(This film is rated G)
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