In The Beach, it's not what Leonardo Di Caprio has on, it's what he has not.

 Di Caprio's topless through much of Danny Boyle's melodramatic thriller.

 And let me tell all you Leo-ettes out there, he's gone from boyishly bone-like to pump-it-up hard in this paradise lost yarn.

 Yes, Di Caprio's got the look. The Beach, on the other hand, is in need of a makeover.

 It goes from mysterious cool and groovy to simpering and silly at the drop of a painfully ridiculous line.

 A complete escape package? Not even close.

 And that's a disappointment, since the Trainspotting team of director Boyle, producer Andrew Macdonald and screenwriter John Hodge are on The Beach.

 Unfortunately, The Beach is more like their Plainspotting.

 Based on the Alex Garland novel, the movie version tries to be a fancy and stylish examination of a bored soul's (Di Caprio) journey through heaven then hell on a forbidden island off the coast of Thailand.

 He treks there from Bangkok with two French friends shortly after meeting up with a demented Scottish hotel mate (Robert Carlyle) who slips him a map to the alleged lotus-land island.

 So, let's see. After the crazy Celtic guy kills himself, the American feels compelled to discover what all this paradise stuff is about? Some recommendation. Whatever.

 When they arrive unannounced for some beach time, the three who dare get mixed up with pot farmers and a commune of folks dedicated to sex and drugs, and from the sounds of things, hardcore dance music.

 Call it Club Meds.

 This is when we discover something else. Boyle seems obligated to litter The Beach with all kinds of references -- from Lord Of The Flies, The Deer Hunter, Apocalypse Now, Jaws and Beach Blanket Bingo. Beach Blanket Bingo? There's a long-shot volleyball sequence, okay.

 And despite Di Caprio's Titanic talent, he mostly seems out of touch with his boy-man-versus-evil challenge. Even his dalliance with the French Francoise (Virginie Ledoyen) is forced and unconvincing. But then so is Ledoyen's Francoise.

 What's maddening is that Di Caprio and The Beach do have clear and present moments depicting danger and extreme scenes of tautness and tension.

 What a tease.

 On other occasions, The Beach comes across more like a soap opera, like sands through the hourglass, like a sombre Gilligan's Island days of their lives.

(This film is rated R)

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