PLOT: An L.A. hitman, played by exquisite Brit Jason Statham, wakes up and discovers he's been poisoned. The catch is if he can keep his adrenaline levels high he can slow the poison long enough to track down his killers.
Arnold, Sly, and Bruce are too old. Tom is crazy and Brad's showing definite signs of wanting to become an architect.
So why not British actor Jason Statham as Hollywood's next action hero?
We know the star of The Transporter and its sequel can fight impressively, and drive and charm his way through action-packed drama and comedy.
Statham can also out-act most of the guys above, judging from his breakthrough performances in Guy Ritchie's crime-drama-comedies Lock, Stock And Two Smoking Barrels and Snatch.
In his latest action outing, Crank, Statham plays an L.A. hit man named Chev Chelios who discovers he's been poisoned with some "Chinese synthetic s---."
How does Chev know?
His killer has left behind a DVD disc emblazoned with the words, "F--- you," which Chelios proceeds to play on his large, flat-screen TV.
One phone call to his wacked-out doctor (an almost unrecognizable Dwight Yoakam) partying up a storm in Las Vegas and Chelios discovers that if he can keep his adrenaline levels high he can slow the poison down long enough to track down his assassins.
Just think of Crank as D.O.A.-meets-Speed, but the bus is a man. (A description you've no doubt already read a million times on the net.).
Working exclusively with high-definition cameras, adrenaline-junkie directors-screenwriters Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor certainly know how to deliver non-stop action.
There are car chases, fight scenes and gunplay, defiantly politically incorrect humour and some unusual music choices -- would you believe Loverboy's Turn Me Loose and Harry Nilsson's Everybody's Talkin'? -- over the course of 80 fast-paced minutes.
You barely have time to catch your breath when the directing-writing duo have cooked up yet another unbelievable situation, whether it's Chelios challenging a clubhouse full of black gang members to a fight -- "Okay, who wants white meat?" -- or taking a voluntary hit from a defibrillator.
There's also a completely insane public sex scene between Statham and co-star Amy Smart in Chinatown that the two actors manage to pull off.
Neveldine and Taylor, whose commercial backgrounds have led to a wildly inventive visual flair -- splitscreen, subtitles, reverse angles -- definitely did the right thing by casting Statham.
The former British Olympic diver performs almost of all his own stunts, including driving a muscle car through a mall, balancing on top of a motorcycle cop's bike while fully erect, ahem, and engaging in fisticuffs about 3,000 feet above L.A. while dangling from a helicopter.
He also has comic timing to spare.
If fellow Brit Daniel Craig doesn't work out out as James Bond, the franchise could do worse than to choose Statham as his replacement.
Sadly, Efren Ramirez, best known as Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite, is underused in Crank, but in a small but memorable role as Chev's best-friend/informant who also happens to be a cross-dressing club kid.
BOTTOM LINE: If there's any justice, British actor Jason Statham will be Hollywood's next action hero. In his latest non-stop action film, Crank, he delivers and then some with his awesome physical presence, impressive driving and fighting skills and decent acting chops. Go Jason go!
(This film is rated 14-A)
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