The exact wording is a little fuzzy because the quip, uttered by a doomed cop near the climax of the horror movie Darkness Falls, was obscured by the derisive laughter swelling up from the audience.
But it goes something like this, with the profanity diluted for sensitive readers: "All because of an effing tooth!"
Yes indeed, this is the first horrible horror movie in history -- at least to my knowledge -- that bases its entire scare structure on a demented tooth fairy who comes to haunt kiddies when they lose their last baby teeth.
In Jonathan Liebesman's film, the marauding tooth fairy is a black-shrouded ghost with a porcelain mask that hides her fire-scarred face. She works her dark arts in the northeast U.S. coastal town of Darkness Falls. There she was hanged a century earlier, mistakenly convicted of kidnapping children. Now she wants her revenge, in the extreme.
Accompanied by shrill screams and deterred only by bright light, the ghost turns the kiddies into psychos and nearby adults into corpses. The story, such as it is, is based on a short film called Tooth Fairy.
That short was the work of Joe Harris, who is also known for his story contributions to Marvel Comics' X-Men and Spider-Man. Harris is credited with co-writing Darkness Falls with screenwriters James Vanderbilt (Basic) and John Fansano (Zombie Nightmare, Another 48 HRS, Alien 3). But calling this "writing" is a joke.
The script is so derivative, so junked up with cliches, so monumentally obvious and so stupid that no one should take "credit" for it. Then there is the clunky work of director Jonathan Liebesman, who never lets a scene slide by without beating it to death. Not surprisingly, this is his first film. Even the ghoulish special effects are tiresome.
For that matter, everything in Darkness Falls is set up in the most rudimentary fashion, as if constructed solely for the enjoyment of the 10-year-old boys who lose their last baby teeth in the two time segments of the movie.
As a result, there is no real suspense building in any scene. Cheap jolts are delivered by hoary old tricks, including tossing in a screeching cat. Subtle? Not for a milli-second.
The acting ensemble, such as it is, includes newcomer Chaney Kley as the flawed hero, Emma Caulfield (Anya in TV's Buffy The Vampire Slayer) as the beleaguered babe and Lee Cormie as the kid who kicks off the horrors to come. These are thankless roles in a butchered flick that shames all those involved.
Incidentally, this Darkness Falls is not to be confused with another Darkness Falls, Gerry Lively's 1999 British thriller with Sherilyn Fenn and Ray Winstone (now out on VHS & DVD). Nor, for that matter, is the latest Darkness Falls to be confused with anything resembling an entertainment.
(This film is rated AA)
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