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Did You Hear About the Morgans? is a romantic comedy devoid of both romance and comedy.
Unless that's some new Zen approach to the genre that we just didn't get, it seems fair to say that the movie is very, very, very, very, very, very putrid.
Hugh Grant and Sarah Jessica Parker star as Paul and Meryl Morgan, an estranged couple living in Manhattan. He's a lawyer; she's a real estate agent. They've been living apart for three months, and he wants to get back together.
That's odd, since Parker's character is written as a humourless obsessive with a hint o' frigidity.
And they split because Grant's character cheated on her.
Go figure.
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Anyway, she can't forgive him.
They have dinner together one night. They see a murder. Gasp! They will have to relocate to a witness protection program in Wyoming, or the killer will come after them! First, though, Parker's character has to dither and moan about life outside New York and kiss her BlackBerry goodbye.
You'll never believe this, but once they're out of the big city, their relationship begins to improve. They bunk in with Sam Elliott and Mary Steenburgen, who turn up in the story as the sheriff and the deputy in small-town Wyoming. The Morgans get to talk about their relationship, react to wild animals, learn to shoot rifles and cope with a new lack of retail shopping. The hilarity!
These urbanites have to rough it in Wyoming. Fish out of water. Airbus out of fuel. Addict out of meth. Kangaroo out of Australia. Pick your own expression for annoying fools out of their usual environment and flopping around.
You're probably asking yourself, "What tedious and unlikely sitcom nonsense do I have to sit through before these two live happily ever after?" And here's the answer: an angry bear near the house; bear repellent sprayed in the eyes; a city slicker horseback riding scene; target practice; the rodeo; chit-chat about adopting a baby; idiot locals and the return of the killer.
You won't care.
Try though he might, even the charming Hugh Grant can't save Did You Hear About the Morgans? His breezy humour seems leaden here, his bon mots forced, his mannerisms irritating.
It's as if the film is a no-humour zone, and any attempt at a laugh gets sucked into a cinematic vacuum of mirthlessness.
Also, as if to reflect its own bad mood, the movie is visually dark and flat. It's not easy to make Wyoming look like crap, but Did You Hear About the Morgans? pulls it off.
Also, Grant and Parker have no chemistry together.
Also, every so-called joke is announced, pointed to, underlined, finally delivered with a nudge to the ribs and then reiterated.
That kind of writing is a special Hollywood way of telling a movie audience you think they're morons.