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Don't blink or you'll miss the bulk of the scary stuff on display in The Eye, the latest in a seemingly never-ending string of Hong Kong horror flicks remade for North American audiences.
This time, we're re-visiting the 2002 thriller Gin Gwai, a creepy (if not particularly coherent) little spook story about a blind violinist whose corneal transplant comes with some rather unfortunate side- effects. The new version is far from the worst of the quickie-remake offenders -- in fact, where story is concerned, its makers may have actually improved on the original by streamlining some of the more confusing aspects.
But while the Hong Kong flick scored a lot of suspense by allowing set-pieces to build gradually, the new one races too quickly through all the major plot-points, meaning scenes are over before you realize you were supposed to be scared.
Protagonist Sydney (pillow-lipped hottie Jessica Alba) is a young violin prodigy who's been blind since a childhood accident involving her older sister and some firecrackers.
As the movie opens, she's about to undergo a corneal transplant to restore her sight.
The operation is a success, but almost immediately, Sydney realizes she's now stricken with what we like to refer to as Haley Joel Osment syndrome.
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In short, she can see dead people, and even when she's not being harassed by shadowy spectres, her apartment keeps bursting into flames.
Could the visions have something to do with Sydney's brand new peepers?
We're inclined to think yes, especially after watching Alba get terrorized by an old lady in her hospital room, a whiny kid in a rain slicker, and an angry coffee-house patron -- all in the span of about 15 minutes.
Despite the influx of pesky phantoms (rendered as benign in the original, but downright grotesque here), Sydney can't get anyone to believe what she's going through, especially not her dashing doctor (Alessandro Nivola), who's been assigned to help her re-adjust to all the new stimuli.
It's not until Sydney snaps and holes up in the darkness of her bedroom (after angrily smashing out all the lights, since just unscrewing the bulbs wouldn't be nearly as dramatic, right?) that Nivola starts to take her seriously, setting the stage for a groaner of a third act that hinges on an impromptu road trip down to Mexico.
Those who've seen the original might remember the jarringly violent conclusion, which the new directors apparently didn't have the cojones to replicate.
Instead, we get a watered-down finale that's made even more unbelievable by Alba and Nivola, who are both as bland as can be in their respective roles.
Alba in particular fails to register any of the emotions we'd assume come with having an entire world illuminated for you after 15 years of darkness, but the real casting crime here is saddling former indie queen Parker Posey with the tiny role of Sydney's guilt-stricken sister.
The part leaves her with little to do besides leave impassioned voice-mail messages for her sister, but even when she wasn't on screen, we couldn't help wondering what an actress of Posey's calibre would've done with the Alba role.
Instead, we're left with this pointless eyesore -- and further proof that those fueling the Hollywood remake machine are the ones who could really stand to have their vision restored.
(This film is rated PG)