Oh, the humanity. Or rather the lack of it.
It's been a while since a movie suffered from shallow supermodel syndrome as badly as Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within. While this completely computer-generated sci-fi tale breaks new ground visually, beneath its sleek digital surface lurks a dull and nonsensical mishmash of cliches, confusion and sterile characters.
But oh, mama! Is it ever pretty. Opening in theatres today, Final Fantasy marks a new level of sophistication in nearly photo-realistic computer animation, the likes of which makes Shrek's motley crew look like Saturday-morning scribblings from some Korean cartooning sweatshop.
The year is 2065, after a giant meteorite strike has brought a race of soul-sucking aliens to Earth. Humankind has been forced to hole up in shielded cities while the alien "phantoms" run loose over the devastated planet.
Dr. Aki Ross (voiced by ER's Ming-Na) and her mentor Dr. Sid (Donald Sutherland) are the only two people who have grasped the aliens' true nature. In order to rid the planet of this phantom menace, Aki must collect eight life-force spirits and bring them together in the crater that the aliens call home, thus cancelling them out and saving Gaia, the spirit of the Earth. Or something.
Joining her in her bid to track down the final two spirits is hunky soldier/former love interest Capt. Gray Edwards (Alec Baldwin) and his squad of sci-fi movie archetypes: Big Brave Black Guy (Ving Rhames), Steely Androgynous Warrior Woman (Frasier's Peri Gilpin) and Cowardly Comic Relief Pilot (Steve Buscemi, whose occasional one-liners are the movie's only break from its over-serious tone.)
Attempting to thwart Aki and her gang is Gen. Hein (James Woods), who thinks the best way to deal with the aliens is to blow them to smithereens with a giant orbital laser cannon doohickey. Little does he realize this might kill Gaia. Or make more aliens. Or something.
Loosely based on the best-selling video-game series which will soon see its 10th instalment on the PlayStation 2, Final Fantasy does parallel some of the ideas of the games - a lone, sensitive hero and a band of adventurers struggle against the odds to save the planet.
And there's no arguing that the movie's visuals are amazing. While these synthetic actors would never be mistaken for the real thing on-screen - despite the detail and sophistication of the animation, there's still something that doesn't quite ring true about their movements - the realism of their digital world is astounding, and everything from the high-tech gizmos to the translucent alien beasties to the post-apocalyptic wasteland is extremely impressive.
But if not for the gee-whiz eye-candy, Final Fantasy would be excruciating to watch. The characters are (ironically) two-dimensional, the story's pseudo-spiritual Earth Mother underpinnings make little sense and even the pitched gun battles with the phantoms are mostly lacklustre, covering familiar ground from Aliens and Starship Troopers, but with way less flair and energy.
Director Hironobu Sakaguchi, one of the creators of the Final Fantasy games, seems to be aiming for a melding of high-tech Japanese anime with the deep storylines of his games, but sadly comes up empty on both counts.
But the biggest shame about Final Fantasy is that it might turn audiences off the idea of fully computer-generated movies that strive for a real-world look, and that would really be too bad. Better to look at it as a first step, showcasing the amazing level of realism of which this technology is now capable.
Next time, if we're lucky, the rest of the movie will measure up.
(More on: Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within).
(This film is rated PG)
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