Godzilla's pissed off. Maybe he stubbed his toe on a nuclear submarine. Maybe he bonked his head on a low-hanging bridge. Maybe that noisy production crew on Survivor Island has been keeping him awake at night.

Whatever the case, the big green stomping machine is highly agitated in his new flick Godzilla 2000. Right out of the gate he's putting the boots to Japan's energy facilities tearing down power plants and power lines sending those ever familiar crowds screaming and running for their lives.

Tracking his movements are the Godzilla Prediction Network (GPN), a loose band of egghead scientists and computer geeks dedicated to studying good old Godzilla not scattering his atoms to the wind. The GPN is represented by a smart-as-a-whip little girl and her dad, a renegade scientist. They drive along side Godzilla (Gojira in Japan) as he drop-kicks skyscrapers pointing old cable antennas and hubcaps at him to gather their data. A female journalist - photographer is along for the ride snapping pictures at a 100 metre monstrosity that's miles away. We're hoping she has a good flash.

Our heroic trio is not alone though. The Crisis Control And Intelligence Agency, a government organization established in response to Japanese cities being persistently leveled by giant lizards, moths, pterodactyls, lobsters, lions, beetles, apes, spiders and robots, is also on the case. They are led by a Mitsuo Katagiri (Hiroshi Abe), an entertaining, scene-stealing cross between John Wayne and Bruce Willis. The CCI is working at cross purposes with the GPN as they want to destroy all monsters, especially Godzilla. They would if they could but they can't. A mysterious bazillion-year-old rock beats them to the punch. Floating up from the bottom of the ocean the flying boulder does battle with Godzilla. One blast from his atomic breath reveals a flying saucer underneath all that rock.

Where's that Mulder and Scully when you need them anyway? Probably still chasing his missing sister. Give it up, you two. Everyone has...including your viewers.

The space ship zips over to the city of Shinjuku where the CCI headquarters are located. Landing on top of buildings, the ship starts sucking away energy and data. Feeling his normal territorial self, Godzilla follows. The space ship creates an colossal alien creature that looks suspiciously like that cruddy, Jurassic Park Godzilla we endured in 1998. Buildings are smashed. Puny humans are spooked. Godzilla kicks some extraterrestrial ass.

Godzilla 2000 (Gojira ni-sen mireniamu in Japan) doesn't compare to the new and improved, modern or Heisei series of Godzilla movies made throughout the eighties and nineties with contemporary special effects and clever scripts. This installment is a throwback to the early films made specifically for children. The plot is about as in-depth as a First Grade book report. It's childish and corny. A flying rock? Come on.

Appalling to fans of the Heisei series is the quality of the special effects. In the older films, toys cars and models being kicked around by a guy wearing a rubber suit was part of the charm. You know, the it's-so-bad-it's-good idea. Guaranteed laughs and guaranteed fun to be had by all. Then, the Heisei series arrived and things changed. The quality was vastly superior and though the tone was still light-hearted, the filmmakers at Toho Studios were a bit more intense. I mean, they even had the original Godzilla die a slow death as his atomic heart melted down. You don't get more intense than that.

We're back to Square One now with Godzilla 2000. The toy cars and models have returned. There's really poor computer effects that look as if they were done on a Commodore 64 or a Game Boy. Super-imposed objects don't match the scenes they are placed into. Frequently, the timing is off on the dubbing. If you didn't know better you'd swear it was the 50's not the year 2000.

What Godzilla does have going for it is the whimsical one-liners written by Hiroshi Kashiwabara and Wataru Mimura. They are priceless. The renegade scientist saying "Nice try, you bastard!" after Mitsuo Katagiri attempted to blow him up or the "There's a little bit of Godzilla in every one of us." line at the film's conclusion will make you chuckle so hard, you'll cry hysterically. Incorporate these with the Ed Wood Studios special effects and Hiroshi Abe's stoic, he-man performance and you have a first class guilty pleasure.

No matter how bad (and therefore good) Godzilla 2000 is, it's preferable to watching that soulless, Americanized sludge produced by Devlin and Emmerich. The series is back where it belongs, in the hands of Toho Studios. They understand what Devlin and Emmerich didn't. That the spirit of the Godzilla series is about generating laughs not scares.

The Powell Factor:

The amusing one-liners + A newspaper editor for saying: "These negatives are as blank as your mind." + the armor-piercing missiles + Hiroshi Abe + a scientist for saying: "I guarantee you, it will go through Godzilla like crap through a duck." + two monster battles - the special effects + a cool air attack + Godzilla's atomic breath blasts - the filmmakers ignoring the previous films + Tsutomu Kitagawa as Godzilla = A farcical monster mash.

(This film is rated PG)

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