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In another era, in the age of matinee movies and dashing Hollywood idols, The Last Legion might have cut a better figure.
But not now, not with Colin Firth instead of the likes of Errol Flynn in the lead role as the swashbuckling hero.
And not with the bloodless battle scenes that seem so fake. And not with the outlandish story that combines myths about the Roman Empire with the legend of King Arthur and Excalibur.
The real problem is that The Last Legion is just too boring.
Firth, despite being one of Britain's true leading men and a fine actor, doesn't have the gusto or the spirit to turn this flick into the kind of comedy-adventure it so desperately wants to be.
A weary-looking Firth plays an aging Roman soldier who, "to the last breath," must protect the new boy Caesar, Romulus Augustus (Thomas Sangster), from assassins. This is after the overthrow of Rome by the Goths in the 5th century.
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The politics of the film would have us believe the Roman soldiers are the heroic, noble democrats (which is nonsense, of course) and other tribes of people are barbarians, except some of the Britons. Hey, it's a superficial movie, not a documentary or a history lesson.
In any case, the quest takes Firth from a prison in Capri to the wilds of ancient Britain.
Along the way, he earns the respect of the youth, the help of a sorcerer (Ben Kingsley), the wrath of an enemy (Peter Mullan) and the love of a south Asian warrior princess (Aishwarya Rai).
Rai, a Bollywood superstar, is unbelievably beautiful. She is also impressive in making us think she has Michelle Yeoh-style sword skills (although it is difficult to know how much is her and how much a stunt double). Strangely, she and Firth have zero sexual chemistry, even on a rudimentary flirtation level.
Oddly enough, there is no "chemistry" in the battle scenes, either.
And not just because the filmmakers took the super-safe route in the staging and editing. Thousands of people "die" on-screen but rarely is any blood shed, as if a man's life has no meaning in such a PG spectacle.
I'm not saying that The Last Legion needs to be as graphic as, for example, the Spartan movie 300. But there really should be a price to be paid visually for the death of a person in a battle scene. There should be consequences. Otherwise, you are left feeling that the battles were just re-enactments.
On a grand scale, The Last Legion looks pretty enough, especially in the sequences set in Britain along Hadrian's Wall (although the movie was actually shot in Slovakia and Tunisia). But American director Doug Lefler does not have artistic panache, despite going to art school with Tim Burton, John Lasseter and Brad Bird.
He did spend years in movie art departments and graduated to directing through the television show, Hercules: The Legendary Journeys, going on to direct episodes of Babylon 5, Mortal Kombat: Conquest and Xena: Warrior Princess.
Obviously, those are not the roots of a thrilling movie career. The Last Legion, a co-production of the U.S., the U.K. and France, demonstrates he is a pedestrian hack at this point in his career.
Also obviously, Lefler openly pays homage (or steals) scenes from other movies, including The Lord of the Rings trilogy, King Arthur, Gladiator and others. But that is to be expected in a second-rate movie like this one.
What is unforgivable is boring us into a stupor.
(This film is rated PG)