  Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth fall head over heels in Nicholas Sparks adapt The Last Song.
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Nicholas Sparks’ novels may as well include sad smiley faces and xoxos, so who better to collaborate with him than Miley Cyrus?
Turns out, the 17-year-old superstar even gave him story ideas for their new teen tearjerker The Last Song, which opens Wednesday.
And what was on Miley’s wish list, you ask? Appealing characters? Absorbing drama? Genuine emotion? Believable dilemmas? No, those must have been on another list.
Instead, she suggested such potential plot points as animals, music and “hot Australians,” referring jokingly to her now-boyfriend Liam Hemsworth. If only she — or Sparks — had known when to quit.
Yet somehow they also managed to shoehorn in death, divorce, volleyball tournaments, a wedding, multiple tragic backstories, dysfunctional families, a funeral, an irritating child actor, arson, aquariums, a goth girl, a fire-juggling drug dealer and a small-town scandal — all between lovingly-photographed scenes of Cyrus and Hemsworth frolicking on the beach.
The result feels more like a checklist than a movie, dutifully ticking off one cliché after another. It’s filmmaking at its most generic.
Granted, with my shriveled critic’s heart, I’m hardly the target demo for his sentimental oeuvre (The Notebook, A Walk to Remember and Dear John among them) — and arguably even less so for the Cyrus-centric The Last Song.
But just because a film is aimed primarily at teenage girls shouldn’t preclude it from being well-made. This, though, is one of the weaker, lazier adaptations of Sparks’ soppy source material.
And it’s hardly an auspicious non-Hannah Montana outing for Cyrus, who’s clearly trying to segue from pop sensation to mainstream movie star. The transition isn’t an easy one to begin with (just ask Madonna or Mariah Carey), but Cyrus isn’t helped by her choice of character — a moody, miserable brat named Ronnie Miller.
It’s understandable why Cyrus would want to show she’s capable of more than bubbly effervescence. But by overreaching, she only draws attention to her limitations as an actress while curtailing her own natural appeal. Pouting, shouting and crying does not a performance make.
We first meet Ronnie as she’s moving in with her estranged father Steve (Greg Kinnear) for the summer along with her kid brother Jonah (Bobby Coleman). While the kids normally live with their mother (Kelly Preston) in New York, Steve now calls the coast of Georgia home, where he has a sea-side cottage.
Apparently Ronnie’s issues stem from the fact she’s never forgiven her father for leaving his family. In fact, she’s so angry, she’s refusing to play music altogether. Like her composer dad, she’s a piano prodigy — and has rejected a scholarship to Juilliard.
Things begin to improve, though, when she meets a wealthy local boy named Will Blakelee (Hemsworth) who, despite the abundance of much cheerier bikini-clad blonds surrounding him, is smitten with this dark, hostile new arrival. But really their relationship just consists of flirting, breaking up, getting back together, musical montages and maybe breaking up again.
After all, there are plenty of other questions to be asked. Will Ronnie play the piano again? Will Will’s parents approve of Ronnie? Will Ronnie and her father finally reconcile?
If you don’t already know the answers, then the movie will surprise you at every turn. For the rest of us, the Last Song of the title can’t come fast enough because it means the credits are finally rolling.
Stars: Miley Cyrus, Liam Hemsworth, Greg Kinnear
Directed by: Julie Anne Robinson
Running time: 1 hour, 47 min.
(This film is rated PG)
kevin.williamson@sunmedia.ca
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