"I don't believe in heaven, I do believe in pain," intones Mark Wahlberg way too seriously in the opening minutes of his dreadful new action thriller Max Payne, in which he plays the terse titular character.
Too bad the audience won't for one second believe in the movie's dud plot from first-time screenwriter Beau Thorne, made even worse by both the over-the-top direction from John Moore (Behind Enemy Lines, Flight Of The Phoenix and The Omen remake) and truly awful casting.
The first clue it's going to be a bumpy ride is that Max Payne is based on a video game, one that debuted in 2001.
Stylish though the movie's production design and cinematography may be -- with plenty of cool slo-mo special effects, slick images and noir-ish lighting -- their purpose merely is to distract you from realizing this is one boring, slow-moving film. With interesting elements to work with such as Norse mythology, demons, devils and angels, it didn't have to be that way.
One can only imagine what a decent screenwriter and director might have done with this wealth of fantasy material and a solid lead in Wahlberg, who carries the movie on his sturdy shoulders.
Wahlberg maintains his dignity, but just barely as he portrays New York detective Max Payne, who investigates a string of murders, including those of his wife and son and former partner (the excellent Donal Logue, currently starring on TV's Life).
It's part-revenge tale, part murder-mystery, with supernatural elements thrown in. Unfortunately, they don't all add up to a good film.
The movie, shot in Toronto and Hamilton last winter, also plays like a who's who of TV stars trying to make the leap to the big screen. That '70s Show's Mila Kunis is way over her head as a Russian mob assassin, and Amaury Nolasco -- Prison Break's lovable, sexy Sucre, for gosh sake! -- is a threatening combat vet turned drug underworld kingpin.
Other, more established actors seem to be slumming for cash. Chris O'Donnell is a duplicitous pharmaceutical company executive, and Chris "Ludacris" Bridges is an internal affairs cop.
And let's not forget the biggest casting error of all: Beau Bridges as the former partner of Payne's cop father, who now works as the security head for the nefarious pharmaceutical conglomerate. Sinister he is not. You just want him to read a bedtime story, rather than exchange gunfire.
The only supporting player who shines in her small role is upcoming Quantum of Solace Bond Girl Olga Kurylenko, the sister of Kunis' character in the film. Kurylenko knows how to play a sexy, bedroom scene.
Wahlberg mainly emerges unscathed here and, frankly, during the film's many slow moments, my mind wandered to Andy Samberg's infinitely more entertaining Saturday Night Live skit, Mark Wahlberg Talks To Animals: "Hey donkey, what's going on? You're a donkey -- I like that. You eat apples, right? I produce Entourage!" says Sandberg in Wahlberg's breathless, agitated style.
Max Payne's ending suggests a sequel could be on the way. (Wait for the credits to finish, if you can stand it.)
Let's hope next time they get a literate script, an engaging plot, a better-suited supporting cast and a more restrained director.
(This film is rated 14-A)
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