Meet The Spartans isn't a real movie, so this isn't a real review, either. We just wanted to send you a little note, gentle reader, to explain that if you part ways with $12 for a ticket to see this thing -- that's before parking and popcorn -- you're barking mad. Meet The Spartans, not to put too fine a point on it or anything, makes Epic Movie look like Scary Movie.

Meet The Spartans stars Sean Maguire in the Gerard Butler role of King Leonidas and Carmen Electra as the Queen; Kevin Sorbo is the Captain. Ken Davitian is Xerxes. Nicole Parker plays everybody else.

The movie follows the essential narrative of 300, with some obvious detours.

It plays as if someone handed over a laundry list of popular-culture flotsam, and the recipient took it to be a script.

This thing is so utterly lacklustre, so without spirit or humour or energy of any kind, that the characters have to tell you what the joke is.

"Oh, look!" they say. "It's Paris Hilton!" Like that.

In keeping with the spirit of the thing, we'll just list what's in the movie:

A vomiting Shrek baby.

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt lookalikes taking an Asian baby.

A dancing penguin.

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline look-a-likes.

An American Idol moment, with look-a-likes (but not very).

An Ugly Betty look-a-like.

Sparta's Next Model. H'yuck!

Dancing With The Spartans. Tee hee!

A Stomp The Yard dance-off between Spartans and Persians.

A nod to Deal Or No Deal, Ghostrider, Spider-Man, Rocky, Transformers, Grand Theft Auto and YouTube.

People pretending to be Lindsay Lohan, Tom Cruise and George W. Bush but who don't look much like Lindsay Lohan, Tom Cruise or George W. Bush flash past after the credits.

The end.

Wait -- there's more!

A dozen swishy gay jokes! A peck of fake violence pratfalls! Hairy bottoms! Exploding hunchbacks! Cat poo!

Facial pus!

It's all here.
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