SETTING: A dank Hollywood laboratory, stocked with blinking consoles (from the old Star Trek set), ancient sparking machines (from the old Frankenstein movies) and, in the foreground, a chair in which some poor strapped-in wretch sits slumped. His head is covered with sensors and his eyelids are forced open by surgical clamps. You may remember this chair, the sensors, the clamps and the movie screen in front of the man, from the movie A Clockwork Orange.
The scientist standing beside the poor wretch, his face swathed in bandages, is Professor X. His identity is a secret. But he is the most powerful man in Hollywood. The professor takes the pulse of the unconscious audience member, satisfies himself that he is still alive and then turns to address the congregation of producers, directors and show biz power brokers sitting in the auditorium.
Professor X: "Ladies and gentlemen. Have you ever noticed that it's called The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences? Today, I offer you conclusive proof that science, not art, rules the day in Hollywood.
This volunteer before you has just viewed the movie The Nutty Professor 2: The Klumps, the first film written and directed entirely by computer. Of course, directing credit has been officially given to one Peter Segal, and we thank you Mr. Segal for the use of your name and reputation. (Polite applause from the crowd as a shaken, bespectacled man stands up and takes a little bow.)
"As we all know, studios have always relied on the input of audience focus groups to alter the direction of a movie. We have taken that marketing strategy one step further. Our computer, the DirectorMax 3000, has been fed data directly from the audience of the hit 1996 Eddie Murphy remake The Nutty Professor.
"It was determined audiences responded most strongly to three different stimuli in that film and they were, let's see ... (Professor X consults his clipboard) fat jokes, fart jokes and gross sex jokes, with occasional bits of pathos utilized to give our audience subjects breathing room between laughs.
"The DirectorMax 3000 is programmed to give audiences more of the same. It simply recycled the original premise. The fat sweet professor of the title, played by Murphy, is still lovelorn and he is still being harassed by his insidious, skinny alter ego, Buddy Love. This time, we've ... how shall I say it ... turned up the volume on the jokes, making them even less subtle and more gross than ever before.
"In performing the roles of virtually all the Klump family, Murphy has obliged us with dozens of new gags involving flatulence, obesity and sex among the elderly. We have also taken the liberty of replacing the last love interest, Jada Pinkett, with Janet Jackson. The reason for this is twofold: One, Jackson is simply more popular than Pinkett. Two: men responded especially well to Jackson's ... ah ... (Professor X turns a page and searches for the correct nomenclature) "spectacular cleavage."
"I see that some of you are distressed by the fact that our subject here has been rendered senseless by the film, but please don't distress yourselves. I assure you, it's not because the film is a mechanical laugh machine, but because the intensity of the experience has simply left him (the Professor consults a EEG machine), ah, on the verge of brain death."
(Suddenly, the bandages fall loose to reveal Professor X as none other than the original Nutty Professor, Jerry Lewis! After a moment of silence, Lewis speaks.)
"You're probably wondering what brought me to this. Thirty years ago, they all laughed when I tried to release my concentration camp comedy-drama The Day the Clown Cried. When Roberto Benigni did it, they gave him an Oscar. Now I shall have my revenge!
"You want mindless? I'll give you mindless! HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
(The Hollywood heavyweights exchange glances among themselves, one man starts clapping, and soon the sound of applause in the auditorium is deafening.)
(This film is rated AA)
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