The Order is not actually a movie. Just to stay in the spirit of things, this isn't actually a review, either.

The Order is one of those movies that went horribly wrong, but for one financial or contractual reason or another, it had to go into movie theatres anyway.

You are the loser.

Here's what we can tell you: An old priest dies a strange death. A young priest (Heath Ledger) investigates. He and another priest (Mark Addy) are the last two clerics in an obscure Catholic order. They see and banish ghosts and devils.

Shannyn Sossamon shows up. She and Ledger's character have a history. She tried to shoot him during an exorcism. Don't ask.

After several long, confusing scenes, some fantastically meaningless dialogue and a heaping helping of scary noises with no particular purpose or application, Peter Weller shows up as a Catholic cardinal.

After that there's a burial at night, then some wandering in subterranean caverns, a hanged man, a mysterious near drowning, a bunch of stuff that dissolves into flocks of birds and flying knives. It's all very religious, too.

Several people walked out of the theatre.

Now, meet the sin eater. Here's a guy who has the capacity to short-change the Church and organized religion and grant people salvation -- for a price -- upon their deathbed. How? He eats their sins, natch. He gets the sins, they get heaven.

Those sins, by the way, as they are being transferred, look just like an extra-large portion of wiggly rice noodles. Ewww. On a religious level, this will be of interest to anyone who previously believed sins looked like brown blots on the pure white milk bottle that is your soul. So. The nuns were wrong. But we digress.

The sin eater is full. He wants Heath Ledger to be the new sin eater. Should he or shouldn't he? Hmmmnnn. Also, Peter Weller plots to become the Pope. And that's about it.

The movie says this: "The only secret is immortality."

So: It's no secret that The Order is to be avoided.

(This film is rated 14-A)

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