You look at some movies and wonder "Why?"
Like, what was the point of producing a movie like Out Cold? Wasn't the drunk/stoned -snowbums-who-manage-to- find-half-naked-girls- to-seduce-in-20-below-weather genre nailed masterfully in Canada, by Canadians, with the proud classics Ski School and Ski School 2?
Well, duh. The reason is in the title, dude. Skis are, like, so early '90s. It was long overdue that somebody put Caddyshack on a snowboard... okay, not overdue in terms of contribution to our collective worth as a species, but overdue in terms of being inevitable.
And the snowboarding is the one thing Out Cold does right, with characters (or their corresponding stuntpersons) getting dropped out of helicopters onto mountaintops, negotiating treestands like snakes through grass and clearing boulders like Evel Knievel clearing rows of cars on his bike.
Said stunt scenes are very much like watching over your kid's shoulder while he plays Cool Boarders 3 --particularly the "blooper" reel at the end, consisting entirely of wipeouts of the I-can't-believe-it's-not-fatal variety.
Unfortunately, only IMAX films can get away with spectacular scenery and stunts without some sort of plot. Out Cold, which seems to have been written by a head trauma victim, is so dumb you'd think "spoof," except that it isn't funny.
For starters, the dialogue is lame. There isn't a line in the movie that sounds representative of 'Boarder culture. In fact, the twentysomethings in the flick use words like "rigamarole" (which is a word my dad would've used, and I'm 43).
The plot? As I said, it's Caddyshack, slathered in snot, urine and beer. The setting is Bull Mountain, an Alaskan resort (actually in B.C.) with an Animal House vibe among its tour guides. Prime among these are the brothers Luke (Zach Galifianakis) and Pig Pen (Derek Hamilton, who channels Crispin Glover the way a young Christian Slater channeled Jack Nicholson). Pig Pen is a stoner, and Zach is a drinker prone to accidents --particularly with his penis. In one scene -- given away in the movie trailers -- his buddies pour salt on his groin and leave him outside as he sleeps off several dozen beers, leading to a wakeup call from a salt-licking polar bear.
Of course, there's our hero Rick (Party of Five's Jason London), who's in love with Anna (Caroline Dhavernas) the daughter of the boorish new owner of the resort (Lee Majors). In his infatuation, Rick looks right through an adoring hottie who's better for him (Jenny, played by A.J. Cook).
And then there's Inga (Victoria Silvstedt), the owner's other daughter, an Anna Nicole Smith lookalike whose breasts are there for comic relief.
Can this ragtag bunch of losers head off Lee Majors and his corporate swineherds, who seek to introduce sushi and lattes to their snowbound paradise? Yeah, sure, whatever.
(This film is rated AA)
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