Piranha 3DD chums with the cheese

Jim Slotek, QMI Agency

, Last Updated: 9:30 AM ET

Actual line of dialogue from the masterpiece that is Piranha 3DD: "Josh cut off his penis because something came out of my vagina!"

What more need be said? In fact, maybe I've said enough.

But the context of the line illustrates the lazy scattershot/scatterbrainedness of Piranha 3DD's plot. Some cretin at a keyboard thought it would be interesting if the mega-mutant-prehistoric topless-girl-eating fish that were introduced in the first two films evolved kinda like, y'know, Alien.

So for one scene only, these carnivorous fish gain this xenomorphic power to incubate inside a human, except instead of bursting out of a stomach, they, um ...

And that's it. Because, well, who cares how these fish got anywhere, let alone from the Lake Victoria of the first film to the swimming pools of an adult-oriented Water Park hundreds of miles away (where 'Double D swims free' -- hence the title). You expected internal logic from a movie whose very title is a breast-size joke?

What really matters to the core audience is that lots of young women with bared, oversized breasts get decapitated and dismembered by tiny, spiny Cuisinarts with fins. (There's also a horny fat guy who gets a fish up his butt, hilarious).

But, as you probably can tell from the trailers, Piranha 3DD trades everything that would otherwise be in its budget (plot, character development, even semi-professional filming and FX) for a few minutes each from a passel of B-list celebrities during their hiatuses from their respective reality TV series. Gary Busey, fresh from Celebrity Apprentice, puts his formidable chompers to work in a cameo. Ving Rhames (whose character, if you memorized the plot of the last Piranha, lost his legs) is in for a few minutes of whoop-ass. Christopher Lloyd plugs in Doc Brown Template #49 for a brief scene of fishy pseudo-science talk.

And David Hasselhoff plays himself with all the aplomb of William Shatner on Ecstasy, as a horndog minor-league celebrity, trading on his world's-most-famous-lifeguard status to attend the ill-fated opening of The Big Wet Water Park.

The joke: given a chance to be a hero, he mostly yawns and sloughs it off as just another snafu at a promotional event.

Got to give the Hoff credit. He knows he's the King of Cheese, and embraces it. So to sum up Piranha 3DD: lots of breasts, gore, idiotic dialogue, senseless and random plot twists. The first two are the most important if you are 14 and sneaking in, or are drunk enough that you are essentially 14-ish.


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