However hard their shell, roll a critic over and you'll find, among other things we won't discuss here, a soft spot for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
That's because, say what you will about all the retro-slang and rubber suits, but the Turtles had a scrabbled-together, homespun charm when they rocketed to pop-culture phenom status in the early 1990s, after debuting as comic-book characters in the 1980s
Granted, it was an Ed Wood-esque charm -- the kind earned not by the accomplishment, but by the sheer goofiness of the endeavour -- but it was undeniable, even endearing.
And there is little trace of it in the slick, seamless CGI animation of TMNT, the latest big-screen revival of the franchise, which opens in theatres today.
This might be acceptable, though not desirable, if the filmmakers had more on their minds than the toylines and video games they doubtlessly hope to spawn, but TMNT rings as hollow as an empty shell outgrown by its occupant.
Speaking of growing up, if you're wondering why the Turtles, who had a streak of juvenile subversity in their heyday, have now put down stakes in the crowded field of kid-friendly fare, it's simple demographics.
Those fans who followed their exploits as teens in the '80s and '90s now have families and interests outside the milieu of nunchuk-wielding, sewer-dwelling reptiles. The filmmakers' hope, one presumes, is that these former followers, now parents themselves, will take their children to the PG-rated TMNT, thereby making these heroes in a half-shell genuinely multi-generational. Unfortunately, Kevin Munroe's script -- he also directed -- offers none of the sly wit that all-ages audiences have come to expect from today's CG-animated movies.
TMNT picks up with head Turtle Leonardo (James Arnold Taylor) in self-imposed exile after being sent off by Yoda-like sensei Splinter to train to become a wiser leader.
In his absence, we learn, his brothers are still living together and are a shadow of the team they once were.
Raphael (Nolan North) has become a metal-plated street vigilante dubbed The Nightwatcher. Party dude Michelangelo (Mikey Kelley) is a children's entertainer, while brainy Donatello (Mitchell Whitfield) earns money by providing computer owners tech support over the phone.
The plot itself is a rehash of tired fantasy/sci-fi cliches involving immortal warriors and monsters from another dimension. If any of it makes a lick of sense, you must be 8 years old.
At the centre of the scheme is Maximillian J. Winters (Patrick Stewart), a self-made billionaire who's been employing the Turtles' old ninja enemies, the Foot Clan, led by Karai (Ziyi Zhang). Further voice support arrives in the form of Sarah Michelle Gellar as April, the Turtles' Lara Croft-esque best friend, and Chris Evans as her boyfriend-vigilante Casey Jones.
If none of this sounds particularly new or inventive, that's because it isn't. Darwin never said "Cowabunga," but he did know you evolve or you die.
Even if you're a Turtle.
(This film is rated PG)
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