Shia LaBeouf with new leading lady Rosie Huntington-Whiteley. (Supplied photo)
They don’t make sexbots like they used to.
For proof of this, look no further than Transformers: Dark of the Moon, a clanging, thrashing threequel that represents a near-complete upgrade over 2009’s critically-despised Revenge of the Fallen.
(Considering it raked in more than $800 million worldwide, we should all be so fortunate to be so critically-despised.) Near-complete, I say, because missing amid the eardrum-shredding mayhem is Megan Fox, terminated after her public feud with director Michael Bay. So Bay went to Victoria’s Secret for a new model - uh, literally - and snapped up the ravishing Rosie Huntington-Whiteley.
Now granted, Fox’s characterization of gorgeous gear-head Mikaela Banes wasn’t much more than a pair of painted-on cut-offs and a pout, but at least she wore both convincingly enough to distract you from the rampaging robots for a nanosecond.
Huntington-Whiteley, by comparison, possesses as much natural magnetism as a leggy ATM. Gazing upon the devastation being rained down by sentient shape-shifters, she looks as terrified as an underwear model who can’t decide which cocktail dress to choose.
But then, to be fair, she is only the supporting eye-candy in Dark of the Moon, opening Tuesday evening on 3D screens and then everywhere at midnight. The real attractions, as if you didn’t know, are collapsible extraterrestrials with handles like Optimus Prime and Bumblebee.
The sequel’s story - using the term charitably, mind you - begins in the 1960s, marking the second time this year a franchise has used the era as a launchpad following X-Men: First Class. (Between these films, John F. Kennedy may very well be the summer’s most prolific actor.)
According to Transformers lore, it seems, the space race between the Americans and the Russians was ignited by the crash-landing of a Cybertronic spacecraft on the moon. Cover-up ensued. End prologue.
Decades later, we’re reintroduced to every-dork Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf, at full tilt), who’s now dating the preposterously hot Carly Spencer (Huntington-Whiteley), despite the fact he doesn’t even have a job. After all, it’s not like he can put saving the world on his CV.
Meanwhile, the Autobots, investigating the long-hidden history of Chernobyl, discover the truth about the moon landing and resurrect Sentinel Prime (voiced by Leonard Nimoy), described as “the Einstein of the Autobots.” Along the way, such decent actors as Frances McDormand, Patrick Dempsey, John Turturro, John Malkovich, Alan Tudyck and Ken Jeong appear (some with more asinine roles than others), clearly enjoying the thought of their paydays.
All of this, inevitably, leads to a planet-wide invasion by Megatron’s tyrannical Decepticons with a breathtakingly bombastic showdown in Chicago between warring bots as Sam, Carly and the U.S.
military - led by Josh Duhamel - shout, dodge shrapnel and then shout some more. Occasionally someone sheds a tear.
How bombastic is it? Given that the movie is 157 minutes, it means Bay’s apocalypse probably lasts longer than the real thing will.
Still, for all the admittedly staggering spectacle, Dark of the Moon can’t match the new-car smell - or the Spielbergian a-boy-and-his- auto theme - of the 2007 original.
Perhaps sensing this - the possibility that they’re close to grinding their gears - both Bay and LaBeouf have suggested this is their last Transformers, although further installments are inevitable. Say, I wonder if Fox is available?
