PLOT: In post-Roman Britain, two star-crossed lovers -- one English, one Irish -- almost bring down a kingdom with a treasonous, clandestine love affair.
Not chancing anything to subtlety, the Dark Ages love story Tristan And Isolde is being promoted with the tagline "Before Romeo & Juliet, there was..."
Or maybe was. T&I are an apocryphal historical couple whose forbidden affair ostensibly drove a wedge between the tribes of England, just as they were trying to unite against the damnable Irish in the years after the fall of Rome.
And I will say this for T&I over R&J. If the Montagues and Capulets went at each other en masse with clubs and swords, littering the floor with severed hands and arms, you might have had an easier time getting high school boys to read Shakespeare.
What we have here is a date movie with intimations of culture (though Wagner's classic opera of the same name plays no part in this Tristan And Isolde), directed by Kevin Reynolds (Robin Hood: Prince Of Thieves). Taking his cue from the Hobbesian depiction of Dark Ages life as "nasty, brutish and short," Rey-nolds delivers the first two in spades in the first half hour. ("Short" seems to be beyond his ken. This is the guy who brought Waterworld in at almost two and a half hours).
As T&I opens, we meet Tristan as a child (Thomas Sangster), and in short order see him orphaned when the Irish stage a pre-emptive massacre of his village -- the site of a meeting of scheming English chiefs. His life is saved by Lord Marke (Rufus Sewell in a rare non-villain role), who loses his hand in the process.
Lorde Marke raises Tristan (James Franco, aka Spider-Man's Harry Osborn), favouring him over his own disgruntled son (Henry Cavill).
Meanwhile, across the Irish Sea, the impetuous Princess Isolde (Sophia Myles) is miffed because she's being forced to marry a lumpish brute who's the favourite soldier of her father, King Donnchadh (David O'Hara). As coincidence would have it, Tristan kills the big ape (and is "killed" himself) in what turns out to be the last battle in the film for a very long time. Sorry guys.
What next? Well, scratch any classic and you'll find soap opera. Lost at sea, Tristan washes ashore in Ireland to be nursed to health by Isolde. T&I fall in love, but he's forced to flee to England, not even knowing her name. Later the Irish decide to further sow discord among their enemies by having the English compete for Isolde's hand. Tristan wins said hand for his liege Lord Marke and is stunned to discover his beloved under the veil.
What follows is a good hour of subterfuge, torment, sidelong glances, heaving bosoms and lines like "With every look he gives you I get sicker and sicker!" -- none of which overcomes the lack of chemistry between the two leads. Franco, who goes through the entire movie with but one brooding emotional note, seemed more passionate about getting revenge against Spider-Man.
It's all nicely shot, but Tristan And Isolde lacks the soul that has kept this story alive for a thousand-plus years.
BOTTOM LINE: The good news -- No opera. The bad news for guys who buy into this as a "date movie" -- the swordplay and bone-crushing club swinging is mainly at the beginning and end. In between? Brooding, sidelong glances, heaving bosoms.
(This film is rated 14-A)
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