According to Ultraviolet, it’s hemophages versus humans in the future, hemophages being some type of remnant of a global infectious disease. I have no idea what I’m talking about. Does it show?

Ultraviolet is some kind of sci-fi story with a special twist — there’s no story. Instead, there are gobs of special effects and fight scenes and all of it bathed in a blue light that will make you doubt what you’re seeing at all times. It’s slick and shiny and it will bore you to the marrow of your bones.

Milla Jovovich stars as Violet, and at the start of the film she says, “I was born into a world you may not understand.” Is that a disclaimer?

Here’s what happens: Seems the humans are out to kill all hemophages. Seems they’ve come up with a cool new weapon. Seems it’s a child (Cameron Bright), with something in his blood that should kill all hemophages. Seems Jovovich’s character has some unfulfilled maternal urges and she has to protect the child/weapon no matter what.

Protecting him means killing scads and scads of people. She jumps, twists and twirls — and when her feet touch the ground again, dozens are dead.

Just in case you weren’t paying attention, she says, “Haven’t you been paying attention? Killing is what I do. It’s what I’m good at.”

Oh.

There are many fancy effects and tricky edits and computer goings-on in Ultraviolet. Jovovich gets to ride a motorcycle up the side of a skyscraper. She has a device that levels gravity, you see.

Her hair and clothes change colour. The hair aspect is important, because Ultraviolet is a lot like a huge, lengthy, L’Oreal commercial. Really.

Just when you think you know what’s happening in the movie (which is never) somebody turns out to be a hologram or a projection instead of himself, and that seems a bit like cheating, doesn’t it?

Otherwise, the music is hideous and overwrought and the acting is flat, but there is one interesting thing: Jovovich has her midriff exposed throughout the movie, and the girl has an absolutely fascinating belly button. Her navel is an innie, not an outie, but just below the surface it suddenly pops up; it’s like a raised fist in the belly button world. Defiant.

Anyway, we went to Ultraviolet so you won’t have to. It was awful. Next time you go, okay?
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