Bosomy babes in peril: What will they think of next?

The moronic slasher movie Valentine is as derivative and predictable as the genre demands, but far more inept.

Valentine opens at a junior school dance in the late '80s, where a young dweeb named Jeremy is rejected by most of the girls and then humiliated by the boys.

Fast forward to the present day: All the girls at the dance are now young women and they are all still friends and they are pretty well all going to die in a variety of bloody if unoriginal ways.

The women are played by Denise Richards, Jessica Capshaw, Jessica Cauffiel, Marley Shelton and Katherine Heigl.

David Boreanaz plays a guy who drinks too much, Daniel Cosgrove is a cute freeloader and Fulvio Cecere gets in a few good lines as a detective.

After the requisite amount of slashing, hacking, slicing and dicing, the requisite amount of that scary music that sounds like ants on speed, the requisite number of red herrings, red blood, false leads, jump scares and subplots headed south, Valentine ends without any distinguishing features, save that unusually high-profile cast.

These are all attractive young actors and they are the movie's only draw.

Our fave part of Valentine is a party sequence in which bodies pile up to a laughable extent without anyone seeming to notice. Don't you just hate it when that happens at your house?

As for the ending ... everyone is a suspect. Whodunnit??

That much we can answer: Donna Powers, Wayne Powers, Gretchen J. Berg and Aaron Harberts, that's who.

They're the writers.

(This film is rated AA)

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