Can someone please super-size Morgan Spurlock's brain?

Apparently it never occurred to the documentary filmmaker that terrorism, Islamic fundamentalism and anti-American rancor are not as easily distilled as the calorie count of a Quarter Pounder.

So in Where in the World is Osama Bin Laden? Spurlock approaches the state of the Middle East -- and therefore our world -- with an asinine every-dude-ness that isn't just simple-minded but wincingly self-absorbed.

Apparently when his waistline recovered in the aftermath of Super Size Me, the extra girth migrated to his head.

Spurlock's politics are irrelevant -- liberals and conservatives alike may find themselves united in bafflement at his stupefying antics -- but what's key is his eruditeness as a filmmaker and his skill as an investigator.

On both counts, he falls shockingly short.

We're re-introduced into the Spurlock household as Morgan's wife, Alex -- remember her from Super Size Me? -- announces she's pregnant.

What's worse? That this is the punch-line to an obvious evocation of 9/11 in the film, or that the "I'm pregnant" moment is blatantly staged?

Real or fake, it's indicative of the cutesy, sitcom-grade film to follow.

Granted, some audience members might find the movie's animated montages amusing -- it's dancing bin Laden! -- but really it only underscores Spurlock's lack of ambition and eagerness to pander.

Whatever his initial intentions -- maybe they were sincere -- they are undone repeatedly by his dependency on gimmicks and sight gags to mask the fact he has no unique insight to offer.

Never do we get the impression Spurlock is putting himself in harm's way -- or, worse, digging for the answer to the very question the film's title poses.

Rather, we follow him endlessly around Afghanistan, Saudi Arabia, Egypt, Israel and Pakistan as he learns 1) Arabs are hard-working family-loving folks just like you and me and 2) no one can pinpoint where Osama is.

Now and again Spurlock, puppy-eyed and seemingly shell-shocked, appears stunned by the terrible conditions people live in over there.

And his conclusion after an hour and a half of this?

It goes something along the lines of, 'Can't we just forget our differences and live in harmony?'

But Morgan, do you really want that?

Because along with no war and no poverty, in a perfect world, there are also no bad films.

(This film is rated PG)

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