BUDDHA. JESUS CHRIST. MAO.

There are a great number of philosophers, thinkers and religious figures one can turn to when the going gets tough, to guide you through the rough waters life can send your way.

Instead of listening to those little voices in his head -- I said little voices in his head -- maybe Michael Jackson would be wise to heed the voice of someone who truly understands, who truly knows the way.

In her much publicized interview with Allure magazine, the great sage Britney Spears offered her well-reasoned assessment of the situation Jackson is currently embroiled in.

"If he did those things, I feel sorry for him," Spears was quoted as saying.

"I feel like he probably feels alone, and he needs some help."

But lest you think her insight or grasp of the bleeding obvious endeth there, Spears wasn't quite done blowing the minds of all she did touch.

"He needs someone to be like, 'OK, lets buck you up, let's give you a moustache, let's rough you up, let's go to a bar, let's get drunk and be a man.'

"And if he didn't do those things, I feel sorry for him.

"Either way, he needs to get in a fight."

For anyone who's asked: That's why I wear the T-shirt that says "Listen to Britney Spears."

O'JAYS SAY "O NO!"

On the subject of pop stars not having a clue, there was a minor controversy at last week's Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony in New York.

Apparently The O'Jay's, who were inducted along with U2, Percy Sledge, The Pretenders and Buddy Guy, were none too pleased with the committee's choice of individuals chosen to give their introduction speech.

Hard to imagine -- I mean, U2 gets Bruce Springsteen and The O'Jay's get ... Justin Timberlake?

According to some reports, the R&B legends known for Love Train, lodged a protest with organizers.

"We protested, kicked and stomped. But it is out of our control," singer Eddie Levert was quoted as saying.

Ouch! But before you apply that Band-aid to the boo-boo on Timberlake's ego, you may want to wait until you hear what Levert's bandmate Walter Williams added

"No offence to Justin, because he deserves the respect he has earned, but I could think of a few people who know more about our pain and suffering and history."

That's true, but I'm pretty sure Pauly Shore was busy that night.

QUICK HITS

So, yes, it appeared rapper The Game did make it into Calgary on Monday night and was apparently seen at Cherry Lounge. As to why he didn't perform at Venue One as originally scheduled, there are two stories you can believe: It was cancelled because of insurance issues or the 800 or so tickets he sold weren't enough to make it worth his or promoters while ... It worked for Linkin Park and Jay-Z, so it's no wonder Sum 41 are looking to mash up with hip hop artist Ludacris. Steve Jocz, Sum's drummer, told MTV.com that management for the metal punkers and the rapper are working out the details. The pairing drew praise for their onstage collaboration during a recent taping of Saturday Night Live ... Local concert rumour du jour: Word has it that Oasis were spying a western Canadian swing in the fall that would include a Calgary date. To sweeten the deal, the opening act for the Britpop vets' upcoming dates is Jet. Oasis is set to release its new CD Don't Believe the Truth May 31.