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Sometimes it's just too easy.
Sometimes the smallest of things can be a font of mockery, and can be used to fill several inches of column space by someone whose goal in life is to not only ruin Christmas but see St. Nick frog-marched out of the North Pole to become the cellmate of a large, hairy, extremely bitter perennial naughty list, lump-of-coaler.
For example, take this quote from Madonna in the press release for the singer/actress/author/porn model/senior's upcoming release Confessions On A Dance Floor: "I want people to jump out of their seats!"
Now, that's rather innocuous, don't you think? Obviously, Madonna is excited about her new album and thinks the kids will want to dance, dance, dance the night away when they hear it.
Most people would see that quote, say "Hmmm" and move on.
But those people are losers and quitters.
Let's take that quote again and give it the proper thought and attention and derision it deserves.
Madonna -- "I want people to jump out of their seats!"
Us -- "And head for the exits like the opening credits of Swept Away?"
Or, "But not out the window -- like your last CD American Life?"
Finally, "Oh, no, not you, dear -- we wouldn't want you to break a hip."
You see, and that's just three options open to those who are only nominally inspired, ragging on her craptacular acting, her bargain-bin last album, and her golden years -- and we didn't even broach her whorishness!
We can rectify that with another quote from not only the same press release, but the same paragraph!
Madonna -- "My record is about having a good time straight through and non-stop."
How about, "Oh, so we can describe it as something of a departure for you?"
Try, "Hopefully the judge will grant my motion to seal your record."
And finally, "No, your record is being a tramp!"
Zing! Do you see how easy it is?
Imagine the fun -- and lawsuits -- were any actual effort expended!
Oh, and by the way, Confessions On A Dance Floor is out Nov. 14.
There's nothing funny about that.
EMBARRASSMENT INXS
Were Michael Hutchence not already busy spending eternity wishing he'd just ordered room service, dialled up pay-per-view (the title wouldn't even have appeared on the bill) and gone straight to sleep, he'd likely be researching the subject of afterlife litigation.
Yes, he'd be looking to haunt his former INXS bandmates' bank accounts for their tasteless and tacky attempts to replace him with the winner of a TV talent contest -- Canuck vocalist J.D. Fortune.
(And by the way, I wrote the first sentence, so I think I'm well suited to judge what is or isn't tasteless or tacky, and that definitely includes anything Dave Navarro is associated with. I need a penicillin shot every time I see him.)
And for those who tear up and feel some sense of nationalistic pride because Fortune is Canadian, don't bother.
Gowan's Canadian, but do you take any particular pride in his fronting Styx?
Or him for that matter?
QUICK HITS:
Still hear the ringing from the System Of A Down and The Mars Volta show. A definite Top 3. Both acts also have new discs on the way -- SOAD's Hypnotize hits Nov. 22 and MV's live Scabdates is out Nov. 8. Billboard online is reporting the upcoming Nirvana compilation Sliver: The Best of the Box (a.k.a. Lawyer's Fees for Courtney) will feature three unreleased tracks. The 22-track album, due out Nov. 1, also features tracks culled from last year's With the Lights Out box set. As for concert rumours, well, this one is for certain -- Staind will perform at MacEwan Hall Nov. 6. Ticket info is to be announced.