There's a war going on out there, people.
A war against Christmas.
How do I know this?
Because under the guise of "inclusiveness" and "sensitivity" and other wishy-washy liberal (and, um, Christian) ideals, some stores are greeting their patrons with "Happy holidays" and "Season's greetings" instead of "Merry Christmas."
In other words these steps have been taken to placate those consumers who are offended by the words "Christmas" or "Christ."
No, I've never met nor know of anyone who actually is offended by the word Christmas -- and keep in mind the music industry is full of godless pagans -- but that doesn't mean Christians can't be offended that someone, somewhere quite possibly might, at some point, be.
So with that kind of specious reasoning in our corner, it's time to fight back.
And the first rule of war is you need to take the best people with you into battle.
Luckily, we have in our corner a whole crew of musicians who are willing to fight the battle in song.
Michelle Wright, John McDermott, Regis Philbin, Norah Jones, Weezer, Bing Crosby, Vanessa Williams, Ella Fitzgerald and many others have all released or appear on Christmas CDs this year.
Yes, Christmas CDs. Not seasonal CDs, not holiday CDs, but Christmas CDs.
We'll run them down for you and let you choose who you want to go into battle with. Together, we need to hit them hard, we need to hit them often, and we need to show no mercy as we obliterate our enemies (however imagined they might be).
Certainly it's what the baby Jesus would have wanted.
John McDermott & Friends -- Images of Christmas (3.5 out of 5)
A nice slice of Canadiana, this album from perennial Irish tenor John McDermott also features an eclectic Maple Leaf guest list. Ron Sexsmith, Jane Bunnett, Murray McLauchlan, Alfie Zappacosta and -- praise be! -- Glass Tiger are among those who join John on this warm, intimate collection of songs. It's not a remarkably inspired set list, but some of the performances make up for it.
Stuart McLean -- Vinyl Cafe: A Christmas Collection (3.5 out of 5)
The CBC storyteller Stuart McLean collects seven of his best Christmas tales on two CDs. His gentle humour, simple insight and personable delivery make for an enthralling annual listen. And if you're so inclined, you can see McLean deliver them -- or probably something new -- when he performs Friday and Saturday night at the Jubilee Auditorium.
Mediaeval Baebes -- Mistletoe & Wine (4 out of 5)
Although released two years ago, Nettwerk has reserviced this Mediaeval Baebes compilation to media just in time for this Christmas. Smart decision, because out of the crop of "new" discs it definitely stands out.
The angelic voiced English act perform old English songs in a way that makes you think you're in the pews of a European church -- a sexy, sexy European church.
If you didn't get it the first time around, seek it out this year.
Marah -- A Christmas Kind of Town (4 out of 5)
The oddest and most interesting among the bunch is this disc from Philly alt country band Marah.
Meant as a drunken musical Christmas party with friends -- or rather a cheesy prime-time TV approximation of said party -- the silliness and camaraderie produces some excellent moments including on Counting the Days ('Til Christmas) and yet another gorgeous and sexy version of Baby It's Cold Outside, bettered only in recent memory by Zooey Deschanel's take in Elf.
At times maybe it's a little to jokey and hokey for it's own good, but in the overall context of the disc it's easy to forgive.
40 Years: A Charlie Brown Christmas (3 out of 5)
A brand new recording of the 40-year-old classic featuring guests such as Toni Braxton, Chaka Khan, Dave Koz, Brian McKnight and Vanessa Williams. The original is still the way to go, but this low-key jazz and light R&B-flavoured update still manages to capture a great deal of its earnest magic.
Michelle Wright -- A Wright Christmas (2.5 out of 5)
Canadian country music vet Michelle Wright offers very little by way of surprises on this by-the-books C&W-based Christmas record. Jingle Bell Rock, Silent Night, Winter Wonderland -- they're all, maybe with the exception of Patricia Conroy's I Know Santa's Been Here, hoary old numbers which have been covered many times, and many times better.
The Regis Philbin Christmas Album (3 out of 5)
Who wants to be a millionaire -- 100 times over? Apparently everyone's favourite morning manic, Regis Philbin, who supplements his half-dozen other gigs with this jazzy album of faves such as Silver Bells, I'll Be Home for Christmas and Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer featuring Donald freaking Trump.
Vocally, Rege sings as if he's been mixing his eggnog with cough syrup, but the gruff goofiness -- like the man himself -- isn't without genuine charm.
Naturally 7 -- Christmas ... It's a Love Story (2 out of 5)
When it's time for guests to leave, pull out this R&B boy band Christmas extravaganza. Not even a tryptophan-induced coma could slow the mass exodus once this slick, soulless gruel hits the stereo.
Christmas Remixed 2 (4 out of 5)
Like the first volume, this disc features DJs and producers remixing well-known Christmas recordings to sensational results.
None of those contemporizing the material goes so far out that the source material gets entirely lost, they merely cool it up a little or a whole lot more for today's hipsters.
The best of the 12 tracks includes MNO's underwater take on Rosemary Clooney's Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas, the brilliant Rondo Brothers remix of Patti Page's Frosty the Snowman and an unbelievable take on the Berlin Symphony Orchestra's Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy by Red Baron.
Now! Christmas 2 (4 out of 5)
An excellent two-CD collection which should appease every family member.
The first disc is the traditional CD, featuring such artists as Anne Murray, Bing Crosby, Burl Ives, Dean Martin and The Chipmunks with their seminal The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late).
The other disc is the contemporary side of things with songs by everyone from Emerson, Lake & Palmer, Jimmy Buffet and Stevie Wonder to Weezer, Norah Jones, Simple Plan and Skydiggers.
Taste of Christmas (3.5 out of 5)
A screamo, emo and alt metal Christmas album featuring bands such as The Used, Bleed the Dream, Opiate for the Masses, Funeral for a Friend and Black Halos and surprisingly, pretty strong album. No, gramma won't be singing along, but the mix of originals and contemporary takes on classics -- including the wonderful cover of John Lennon's Happy Christmas (War is Over) featuring Used frontman Bert McCracken with Street Drum Corps -- make for an interesting listen.
