The one thing everyone should have learned from the 1996 silver screen softcore action epic Barb Wire -- other than Hollywood has no shame -- is Pamela Anderson can't be expected to carry two hours (or 98 minutes) on her own.
Apparently the Juno organizers did their homework. (Although I'm sure much of that homework was done in the basement with the lights dimmed, curtains closed and door locked.)
That's why while the nightmarish blowup doll may be on the record books as the host of last night's award show -- odd considering it was a night meant to celebrate Canadian talent -- her duties were mercifully kept to a minimum and ultimately she was given about as many lines to read as during her stint on cable TV jigglefest ViP.
And thank God for that. When she spoke, stumbling empty-headedly over the numerous and painfully obvious T&A jokes the team of script-writing monkeys banged out for her, the walking Vacuflo system fell flat on her face -- as physically impossible as that may sound.
Her opening speech was particularly embarrassing, with a crack about the music scene "bursting at the seams" (hardy-har), as well as another witty quip about Bryan Adams and Coldplay's Chris Martin being backstage looking in the deli trays for "vegan buns" which was followed by a sly look towards her own surgically-sculpted buttocks (well-played, Ms. Anderson -- kudos to you!).
But that was only the beginning of the descent into the eye-rolling --calling it tasteless gives it unwarranted credit -- with Anderson using the show as an opportunity to make her PETA beliefs known (her favourite artist Seal wasn't there because he was afraid of "being clubbed to death"), which drew a huge chorus of boos from the East Coast crowd. (Is the irony really lost on the woman that such a strong defender of nature should probably be a little less synthetic.)
Again, it's no wonder organizers gave her a great deal of help, including Buck 65, who acted as something of the master of ceremonies -- receiving a kiss from Anderson and a mouthful of silicone at the end of the night as thanks.
His contributions were slightly better than hers, although his opening Juno song was perhaps the most cloying moment of the evening.
As for the show, in general -- well, it clipped along at a fairly good pace, thanks to the fact only seven awards were handed out on air with the rest of the two hours being predominantly performances.
Of the performances, the most notable from a pretty staid and uninspiring lot were probably Coldplay's overlong rehashing of their Grammy appearance, which featured Martin pulling a Bono and inexplicably calling someone on a fan's phone and Broken Social Scene's cacophonous, almost unlistenable performance -- great concept, horrible execution.
Fittingly, the best, most memorable moment of the night, period, belonged to Calgarian and one-time Juno host Jann Arden, who is, the antithesis of all that Pamela Anderson is -- in all of the right ways.
Prior to presenting an award, the local artist took a shot at Anderson and her earlier speech, noting Arden's brassiere was made entirely from seal eyelids.
It was a hilarious moment -- funny, unscripted and real.
Next time, oh, Juno folk, do a better job with your homework and instead of a passing grade with T&A, aim for something better.
