Do me a favour.

You know that list you made years ago about all of the things you wanted to experience and accomplish before you were 50 -- the one you keep in your back pocket ready to tick off a new one should it arise?

Take it out. Look at it.

Now, do me one more favour -- rip it up and accept the fact you are a loser. A 100% bona fide failure.

"But, but, but," you whine and sputter, like the insignificant nothing you most certainly are, "how can you judge me so harshly? I'm only 35 and already I've walked barefoot on a beach and fed an orphaned panda cub and run with the bulls and slept with a Baldwin and blah, blah, blah, blah."

Spare it. You're protestations do nothing but take up more air, which, really, is the only thing you can claim to actually having accomplished, you filthy parasite.

Here's the story, it doesn't matter if you had your Masters at the age of eight, gave birth to triplets by 14, developed a water-powered funnycar by 16 and became the king of all popes before turning 21 -- you are a failure in a world where Beyonce dwells.

Why? For the love of all that's holy, look at her -- she makes the Mona Lisa look like a bag of monkey pus.

But, her beauty, style and grace are only a small part of it. She's richer than the Church, has more talent than a busload of dolphins, is more powerful than the Illuminati and could probably cure all forms of cancer with her very touch.

And, the true kick to your right, lower-hanging ego, she's only 24. In fact, most people probably didn't realize her age until she announced this week she would celebrate her 25th birthday by releasing a new, presumably chart-topping studio album the day after, on Sept. 5.

You probably spent yours passed-out drunk and half-naked in your parents' basement, or quietly celebrating with a few close friends, you waste of space.

And if you haven't yet marked the quarter century, chances are when you go to blow out your candles, you'll wish to the birthday gods you were Beyonce.

Or at the very least, not such a loser.

Hip go Rock:

According to reps at their label, Canada's favourite band The Tragically Hip have been in the studio with producer Bob Rock working on a new CD.

The band previewed some of the material at an intimate gig last weekend at Vancouver's Commodore Ballroom, and, according to all reports, the new tracks went over incredibly well.

Fittingly, considering the producer and the bands he's worked with and made accessible (most notably Metallica as well as fellow Canadian vets Our Lady Peace), the songs are said to be straightforward, catchy rock tracks with enigmatic frontman Gord Downie actually -- gasp! -- singing.

Should it all be true, the move continues a trend The Tragically Hip began with their last studio album In Between Evolution, which saw them opening up and moving away from their increasingly more introverted personality -- probably the biggest reason behind their slide in audience and sales this decade, and the reason a new Hip song on radio was no longer a given.

We should find out how accessible when the CD is released this fall.

Quick hits:

Yes, it took over a week to absorb the fact Prince appeared on American Idol. And although he only performed, arriving seconds before he took the stage and leaving immediately after, why does he come out of the whole deal worse off than a weeping David Hasselhoff ... Speaking of chubby things the Germans love, according to Sun sources Mariah Carey had every intention of making a stop in Calgary on her forthcoming tour which takes her to Edmonton Sept. 21. Unfortunately, sources say, another concert or event had a hold on the date she was looking at. The good news , though, is this could mean we're in for another big concert announcement. The bad news is maybe it's finally going to be Bon Jovi ... On the subject of rock bands only women should admit to liking, perhaps this is the proper moment to make a clarification. For those who took offense to the use of the term "egg producers" in last week's INXS review, please understand there was no disrespect or sexist intent meant whatsoever.