Paris Hilton has released the debut single from her first (non-sexual) foray into the music world.

Some things we do because we want to.

Some we do because we have to.

Case in point: Viewing Paris Hilton's videos.

The first release by everyone's favourite emaciated blowup doll was one of those things you had to find online and watch, merely because, well, because it featured a famous, blonde heiress having naked relations with a man.

Pretty simple, really.

Of course, as a video, you couldn't help walk away from it thinking anything other than this was an even colder, more emotionless act of intimacy than anything from the Ron Jeremy oeuvre (dude, she answers her phone).

Those are pretty much the same thoughts you're left with after checking out Hilton's latest foray into the video world -- the music video for the song Stars Are Blind.

This, for the record, was one of those things that had to be done -- kind of like sticking that toothpick directly into you canker sore to find out if it is, indeed, painful, although you know full well it is.

And is Hilton's video as excruciating as you'd expect?

Truthfully?

No, not really.

I mean the song, a vaguely reggae pop number, is as vacuous and forgettable as anything else out there right now.

And her vocal performance?

Pretty much the same as that other video -- Hilton sings like she, er, has relations.

And just like that other, more naked offering, her performance here is enhanced through technological advances: We saw her then because of that creepy, green night-vision; we hear her now because of the magic of pro-tools.

In fact, she's touched up on record more than she's been touched up in real life.

But don't just take the word of one for it -- do a search for Hilton+Stars Are Blind and watch it at any one of a million sites hosting it.

And don't do it because you want to, do it because you have to.

How much could it possibly hurt?

FUEL TO THE FIRE

In the space last week, I pointed out how much of a loser you are and how Darwin would be stumped when called upon to explain the relation between yourself and Beyonce.

Harsh, yes, but entirely necessary.

However, for those who've spent the entire week feeling like the walking droppings they really are, buck up, lil' camper -- it could be worse.

How? Well you could be a member of rock band Fuel.

That in itself is sad, true, but this week it got a whole lot worse.

Like the fat, sweaty kid with the pantswetting problem who finally puts himself out there and asks the girl with the moustache and hump to the school dance, the D-list non-entity extended an invite to bald, American Idol loser Chris Somethingorother (it you care that much, you look it up) to join their ranks as its new lead singer.

And like the hairy, lumpy girl who decides she'd rather show up alone, keeping her options open in case the punchbowl is somehow accidentally filled with antifreeze causing temporary blindness in the rest of the male partygoers -- you know, so everyone can finally see the swan she really is -- the ejected contestant declined the pathetic, little offer.

To make matters worse, all of this wooing and subsequent rejection was done very publicly and now both of them have to go through life with the stigma of a.) being not quite good enough for some wad who couldn't even beat out a 63-year-old man in a popularity contest decided by nine-year-old girls, and b.) having turned down the only shot you had at avoiding a paper hat as business attire.

So there, now -- don't you feel better?

QUICK HITS:

Alanis Morissette and Ryan Reynolds broke up this week. No, you still don't have a chance ... A duet between Nelly Furtado and Coldplay's Chris Martin was cut from Furtado's new album, Loose. According to a story on yahoo.com, Furtado says Martin's label didn't want it released because his voice sounded too "rocky." God forbid he sound anything other than mopey.