Chad Kroeger of Nickelback

Who knew he cared so much?

Who knew his love for me ran so deep?

(And who knew his real name was Chad Turton?)

Why else would Nickelback frontman Chad Kroeger go and get himself all ensnared in a drunk driving investigation on this, my last week on the job?

Yes, as I bid adieu to the music beat, heading for the greener pastures of the sports department -- trading one form of inanity-spouting celebrity for a sweatier, more juiced-up and manlier bunch -- our heroic Mr. Kroeger has gift-wrapped a final column in one of those, well, I guess, booze bottle gift bags.

And I respectfully accept, unwrapping it with all the wide-eyed excitement of a candy-sticky fat kid come Christmas or an afternoon DJ discovering the "fart" button hasn't been disengaged from the morning shift.

Now, at this point in time we're speaking entirely in allegations, and the stringy locked rocker has not been proven guilty of anything -- but let's not let that spoil our fun.

According to RCMP spokesman Cpl. Roger Morrow, Kroeger was stopped in Surrey, B.C., because of "excessive speed and erratic driving," and Morrow said the officers discovered possible evidence of impaired driving after they pulled the car over.

No other information has been given and Morrow stressed an investigation continues and no charges have been laid.

Perhaps the most disconcerting thing, here, is the silence from the Kroeger camp.

For a man who has ridden the rock star cliche harder than a Grand Canyon mule and embraced stereotypes more than American sitcoms, it's difficult to understand why he didn't come right out and own up to one of the hoariest musician eventualities of them all.

Possibly because it wasn't cliched enough?

Or cool enough?

If that's the case, why didn't he and his lawyers issue a statement immediately to rectify the situation and to further his reputation as a walking, singing caricature?

With tongue firmly in cheek, of course, something along the lines of:

"Mr. Kroeger would like to strongly refute the RCMP's official description of the events of June 22, noting glaring omissions in the statement.

"For one, Mr. Kroeger was speeding and driving erratically because the group of hookers in his car, off of whose cleavage he was doing rails, were performing CPR and other lifesaving procedures as a result of a major overdose and the subsequent swallowing of his own vomit.

"Further, Mr. Kroeger would like it known that he was not merely tipsy, drunk or intoxicated, but announced clinically dead at the scene as a result of severe alcohol poisoning, a self-inflicted gunshot wound and auto-erotic asphyxiation.

"Only the actions of a quick-thinking prostitute/nurse's assistant named Rhonda saved the life of the man whom is considered a national treasure and whom will be entering rehab immediately.

"All of the details of this tragic event will be chronicled in the forthcoming Nickelback-Elton John duet, Rhonda Saved My Life Tonight.

"And, finally, Mr. Kroeger would like to thank all of his fans for their support in this, his time of need, and would like it on the record that it really is better to burn out than fade away."

Forget silence -- baby, statements like that are pure gold!

Well, until we hear from the man himself, I would like to offer a gift of my own to Kroeger, and that is my understanding and an offer.

My understanding because several years back I ran afoul of this country's drinking and driving laws, with the exception being the only investigation required before my license was yanked from my idiot fingers was the police looking at my car wrapped around a lightpole and then smelling the Pine-Sol on my breath.

That and it wasn't cool or rock star, just incredibly stupid.

And the offer -- well, as I drift into the sunset and head off to enrage an entirely different segment of the Sun-reading population with my shoddy knowledge and understanding of athletic pursuits (I will be on the NASCAR, jai-alai and hurling beats, I believe), please know any time you want to stop me from seeing your concerts or even hearing your music, feel free.

Hey, don't mention it.

After all we've been through together, it's the least I can do.

QUICK HITS: On a serious note, anyone whom I've worked with over the past decade, anyone who's sent me their music, spoken with me about their work, read my stuff, fired off hate mail, etc. -- thanks very much for making this one of the best jobs any human being could possibly have.