Darryl Sterdan, QMI Agency
, Last Updated: 12:27 PM ET
What do you get for the couple that has everything? Well, everything except talent, respect and a lick of sense between them?
Tough question. But it’s one that millions of fans around the globe need to consider now that Nickelback’s Chad Kroeger and pop-rock princess Avril Lavigne are tying the knot.
Sure, both halves of the newly christened Chavril — which, fittingly enough, sounds like the name of a multi-national conglomerate — are gazillionaires. But that doesn’t mean they don’t deserve some wedding gifts when they mosh down the aisle. And heck, the way the music biz is going, they’re probably willing to sell seats at the head table to anyone willing to subsidize this unholy alliance. So if you’re interested in being part of their special, special day, get out your chequebook and pony up. Here’s what they need for the wedding — and the weeks of blissful coexistence that are sure to follow:
• Pink-and-black, strategically ripped designer wedding dress for Avril.
• Canadian tuxedo (aka denim jacket & jeans) for Chad.
• Ed Hardy suits for the groomsmen.
• Bedazzled g-strings and bustiers for the bridesmaids.
• Multi-tiered stage with motorized risers and 10,000-watt sound system for the ceremony.
• Performance of Wedding March (and medley of their individual hits) by frenemy Chantal Kreviazuk.
• Dry ice (to be swirled about during the wedding vows).
• Pyro (to be set off when they say ‘I do’).
• Diamond-encrusted tongue studs to be exchanged during ceremony.
• Gentlemen’s club rental for wedding reception.
• Performance by Sum 41 at the festivities (Deryck Whibley will also be parking cars).
• Catering by Tim Hortons, Chuck E. Cheese and Grey Goose.
• Separate custom-painted tour buses for the honeymoon.
• Three-night stay in bridal suite at Hard Rock Hotel in Vegas (mini-bar not included).
• Lifetime supply of eyeliner and hair dye (Avril will need some too).
• Engraved Jagermeister dispenser for their breakfast nook.
• His-and-hers stripper poles for the bedroom.
• Room above the garage where Chad’s brother Mike can live.
• Matching Lamborghinis with breathalyser-ignition devices.
• Earplugs for everyone in a five-mile radius for when they start writing songs together.
• Birth control. Lots and lots of birth control.
• Laser treatments to remove ‘Avril & Chad: True Love 4Ever!!’ tattoos.
• Two good divorce lawyers.