|Taylor Swift poses with a fan on the red carpet at the 2012 MTV Video Music Awards. (REUTERS)
You learn something new every day. Even when you’re watching pointless award shows. Here are a dozen things I learned from enduring the 2012 MTV Video Music Awards:
1. There is a famous person named Kevin Hart.
If you have no clue who this year’s pint-sized host is or what he does, welcome to the club. Seriously, they couldn’t afford anybody better-known (or just plain better) than this?
2. Kevin Hart is not a comedian.
Not knowing who this doofus is, I assume he’s a dramatic actor based on his completely humourless monologue and comedy bits — including one in which he urged rapper 2 Chainz to add a third chain.
3. Pink has mellowed out.
A few years ago, watching Alecia Moore was like sitting through a punk Cirque du Soleil. This year, while singing Blow Me (One Last Kiss), she spent most of her time with her feet on the ground, getting down with a bunch of dancing lips. Guess being a mom will do that to ya.
4. There is no God.
Chris Brown won the Best Male Video award for Turn Up the Music. Honestly, what more proof do you need?
5. Frank Ocean is too talented for MTV.
The singer’s sweet, poignant performance of Thinking About You was one of the few sincere and enjoyable moments in the two-hour show. Please go buy his album.
6. Drake is still humble.
After the Toronto rapper won Best Hip-Hop video for HYFR, he referenced his black and Jewish roots — and stood up for the loners. “I want to dedicate this award to any kid that’s ever had a long walk home by yourself,” he said. “This is for you, man, for real. We made it.” Sweet. When can I expect my royalty cheque, Drizzy?
7. If you are not a teenage girl, One Direction are irrelevant.
Yeah, the young ladies loved Simon Cowell’s latest boy band. But based on the reaction of adults in the crowd, nobody else cares. At one point, it almost looked like Katy Perry was dozing off on Rihanna’s shoulder.
8. Rap has seen better days.
If 2 Chainz and Lil Wayne’s uninspired and amateurish rendition of Yuck was meant to represent the cream of the crop of current hip-hop, we’ll wait for the next big thing, thanks.
9. Green Day still rock.
The pop-punk trio may be the kings of Broadway these days, but they aren’t afraid to get down and dirty with fans — like the ones who stormed the stage during their raucous version of Let Yourself Go. Pity we had to wait through 90 minutes of drivel before seeing it.
10. Carly Rae Jepsen’s 15 minutes are nearly up.
Despite having the undeniable single of the summer, the Canadian singer of Call Me Maybe lost the Best New Artist Moonman to One Direction. Please turn off the lights on your wait out, dear.
11. Olympic fever is officially over.
Having the U.S. Olympic gymnastic team’s Fab (or Fierce, or Furry or whatever F-word they’re using now) Five appear onstage already felt nostalgic. But watching Gabby Douglas backflip during an Alicia Keys song was just plain silly.
12. Watching the VMAs is a total waste of time.
Like that’s news.