|MATCH UP: Scott Weiland vs. Velvet Revolver. DISPUTE: Traded angry words with each other after Slash kicked him out of the band. HATCHET: Not buried, but Velvet Revolver has been on hiatus since 2008, and Stone Temple Pilots are touring again. (WENN.COM photos)
What rhymes with pitchy -- and describes life on American Idol these days?
In a move guaranteed to surprise absolutely no one, reports have surfaced that new judges Nicki Minaj and Mariah Carey are apparently feuding.
According to a supposedly leaked video of poor quality and dubious origin, the freakazoid rapper and the uberdiva got into some kind of an altercation during a recent stop in North Carolina, with Minaj threatening to "knock out" Carey and shouting, "I told them, I'm not f---in' putting up with her f---in' highness over there." Still happy with the new gig, Keith Urban?
It's not the first report of trouble. Supposedly, the pair started battling almost as soon as auditions began in mid-September. At that point, everybody denied everything, with Minaj saying they were "getting along wonderfully" and Carey asking "How can you feud in two days? I think a feud takes a little longer."
So, is it on for real now? Or just a publicity stunt? Who knows? And what does it matter? Whatever the truth, a good dustup is guaranteed to get people watching. And when it comes to musical feuds, there's nothing better than a good old-fashioned catfight. With that in mind, here are more slices of provocative girl-on-girl action.
Madonna vs. Lady Gaga
BASIS OF THE BEEF: The remarkable similarity between Madonna's Express Yourself and Gaga's Born This Way.
WAR OF WORDS: Her Madgesty dismissed the song as "reductive" and inserted the title refrain into her song in concert. Gaga accused Madonna of mixing "haterade," adding "It sometimes makes people feel better about themselves to put other people down or make fun of them or maybe make mockery of their work." Awww, somebody hurt Mother Monster's feelings.
ADVANTAGE: Madonna. Seriously, they're pretty much the same song.
HOW TO SETTLE IT: Lip-synch competition.
Rihanna vs. Joan Rivers
BASIS OF THE BEEF: Rihanna's confession to Oprah that she still loves abusive beau Chris Brown.
WAR OF WORDS: After hearing RiRi's statement, Rivers tweeted: "Idiot! Now it's MY turn to slap her." Rihanna responded: "wow u really do get slow when you're old huh?", followed by "Slap on some diapers." Joan shot back: "everyone knows: If he hit you once, he'll hit you again. Read the statistics. PS - Love to have you on Fashion Police!" Stay classy, Joan.
ADVANTAGE: Rivers. Though it would be even cooler if she got a neck tattoo that looks like a beaten woman.
HOW TO SETTLE IT: Three rounds in the Octagon.
Christina Aguilera vs. Kelly Osbourne
BASIS OF THE BEEF: Who's got more junk in the trunk.
WAR OF WORDS: Noticing the formerly svelte singer's recently zaftig appearance, Osbourne said: "Maybe she is just becoming the fat b---h she was born to be. I don't know. She was a c--t to me "¦ She called me fat for so many f---ing years. So you know what? F--- you! You're fat too." Ah yes; revenge truly is a dish best served cold. Preferably with a side of expletives.
ADVANTAGE: Aguilera, if only for not prolonging the brouhaha.
HOW TO SETTLE IT: Hot-dog eating contest.
Nicki Minaj vs. Lil' Kim
BASIS OF THE BEEF: The usual rivalry between a newcomer and an old-schooler.
WAR OF WORDS: In 2010, Nicki was apparently talking about forerunner Kim when she rhymed, "So let me get this straight, wait, I'm the rookie? But my features and my shows 10 times your pay?" on her song Monster. Kim responded with the scathing diss track Black Friday, saying: "You's a Lil' Kim wannabe, you just hate to admit it." Who wouldn't?
ADVANTAGE: Minaj; when was the last time you listened to Lil' Kim?
HOW TO SETTLE IT: The Silence Game -- whoever shuts up the longest wins.
Mariah Carey vs. Christina Aguilera
BASIS OF THE BEEF: A tipsy party spat between two egomaniacs.
WAR OF WORDS: Said Aguilera to a magazine: "We were at a party and I think she got really drunk, and she had just really derogatory things to say to me. But it was at that time that she had that breakdown, so she might have been very medicated." Responded Carey: "It is sad yet predictable that she would use my name ... to reinvent past incidents for her promotional gain."
ADVANTAGE: Really, this one seems about even.
HOT TO SETTLE IT: At an AA meeting, apparently.