5 reasons not to be excited for Coachella 2014

, QMI Agency

, Last Updated: 12:55 PM ET

With the announcement that Montreal's Arcade Fire, Muse, and a reunited OutKast will headline this year's Coachella Valley Music & Arts festival, which takes place over two weekends in April, we've taken out the musical microscope and examined the lineup.

What we've found isn't all that pretty unless you’re hoping Marty McFly drives up in his DeLorean and offers you a ride back to 2004. I mean OutKast, really, was anyone clamouring for this reunion?

After last year's ho-hum two punch of Blur and The Stone Roses, here are five reasons why we think the 2014 edition is poised to disappoint:

1. Arcade Fire overkill

Excuse us for not drinking the Fire water, but is there a festival that these guys won't play? Let's see: the Montrealers are already booked for big outdoor events in Australia, Mexico, Chile, Argentina, Brazil, not to mention rumoured appearances at Glastonbury and Reading. What usually sets out the "giant act" is exclusivity, so it's hardly a coup for organizers. Now the big question: Do you think they'll ask gig-goers to wear suit and ties? Warm desert air and pretentiousness are usually a deadly mix. P.S. They have two outdoor shows in Canada this summer, so if that is the draw, I say skip ‘em.

2. Rockers with walkers

You can just picture the desert hipsters staring up at Motorhead's decrepit frontman Lemmy wondering which morgue he just got wheeled out of. Someone thought this was an Ace of Spades decision, but it was more like a Joker.

3. Not a-Mused

Like many U.K. bands before them, these guys have been touted for North American superstardom for years, but have fallen short of the mark. The irony of their Saturday headline appearance is that Palm Desert rockers Queens of the Stone Age, whose home base is 20 minutes away, are second fiddle that night. Blasphemy, we say.

4. Oh, Canada

Outside of Arcade Fire, conspicuously absent is the lack of Canuck talent higher up on the marquee. Sure, there's City & Colour and Chromeo, but that's not enough Canadian bacon to satisfy us.

5. Not OK, computer

The decision to go with electronic dance-heavy artists means there's too many bands that don't actually play musical instruments on the bill. This does not rock, and/or roll.

Twitter: @johnwillms

blogs.canoe.ca/turntable

Facebook: john.williams1


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