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"This is gonna be my farewell tour," cracks the irreverent 39-year-old Calgary country-pop diva of her latest cross-country trek. "I'm gonna try something new after this.
"I heard that Rene Angelil had some sperm left over that he and Celine Dion didn't use yet. So I figure I'll get my hands on that and get pregnant and retire like she did. But instead of coming out of retirement in Vegas, I'm thinking of doing something in Red Deer, you know? Nothing fancy, just maybe a little 60-seater. People coming in off the highway will stop in for doughnuts and catch my show. It'll be a revue of sorts -- but it all depends on how the pregnancy turns out."
Well, it's nice to see success hasn't spoiled Arden or her sense of humour. And these days, she has every reason to be spoiled. Arden has been moving in some pretty swell circles lately.
Just last month, she was nominated for her latest Juno award as Songwriter of the Year. Her competition? Sarah Harmer, Ron Sexsmith, Rufus Wainwright and none other than Leonard Cohen. Then there's her "farewell tour," which is actually more of a new beginning than a bon voyage -- Arden is crossing the country with her band, performing her hits with symphony orchestras.
"It's an extraordinary undertaking," Arden admits. "It's also an incredibly expensive undertaking -- you have to have all the charts made, and it takes forever.
"But it's a great one-off opportunity. It sort of harkens back to the days of Tom Jones and Shirley Bassey and Judy Garland. They didn't travel with a five-piece band, they travelled with orchestras. That's what you're gonna see. It's like stepping back to the '50s."
With a few minor variations, of course. Arden isn't cramming a string section onto the tour bus; just conductor David Pierce, who's charged with the task of trying to make various city's symphonies -- including the WSO tonight and tomorrow -- sound like they're intimately familiar with Jann's material.
If that isn't risky enough, consider this: 1) Arden doesn't get to rehearse with the orchestras; 2) Some of her material has been revamped for the new format; 3) There's no room for improvisation or error, and 4) The shows are being recorded for a forthcoming live album. That's enough to make the whole affair a nerve-wracking prospect for even the most seasoned performer. But Arden isn't sweating.
"Nah, I'm not apprehensive at all," she laughs. "I sure would not want to be the conductor. I'll plow ahead no matter what happens and my sound man will shut down anyone who screws up."
Plowing ahead and surveying the damage later is pretty much par for the course for Arden, whose relentless work ethic -- she spends about 250 days a year on the road -- has propelled her from smoky saloons to concert halls over the course of her 23-year career, which has produced four well-received albums and last year's best-of set Greatest Hurts.
Despite Arden's obvious drive and ambition, she steadfastly refuses to give in to the shallower aspects of pop music. You won't catch Arden crash-dieting to fit into a bikini for her next video or strapping herself into an electric Ab Energizer.
"What is up with that?" she wonders. "You see people going down the street with their asses pulsating. Frankly, I'd rather be fat. If size 12 is a tragedy in this world, let me be a part of it.
"I am what I am. I think people know that when they see me. I'm not this icon. I've never sexualized what I do. I still feel sexy but I think it's important for my art not to be somebody people come to see for my outfit. There's not one thing that I've done that I could imagine cringing or flinching about."
Except one: The thought of going to the Juno Awards.
"No way," she says. "I went last year. I can only take so much of that. Besides, I'm not winning -- and if I'm not winning, I'm not going."
Besides, she has more important stuff on her plate -- like, perhaps, finding Rene Angelil's phone number and buying a book of baby names?